Readers talk back: responses to features, reviews and blog posts received this March
From Florence
George, I don’t know why there aren’t more guys like you. Spread the
word mate.
From Jessica
I was feeling very discouraged today because I feel like I’m not making any difference whatsoever in the fight for equality. This article was exactly what I needed to remind me that it is indeed the little fights, the individual conversations, that will eventually make a huge difference.
From Charlotte
Just wanted to say- thanks for taking the time to write that article,
George. It is fantastic to see that a man has actually put himself
into a woman’s shoes and walked in them before making conclusions.
All I can say is – spread the word! There is unfortunately a very
large amount of young men who are completely unaware of what it is
like to be a woman in 21st Century British society, and the best we
can to is try to intelligently and calmly explain to them! And
honestly, don’t worry that you have only been aware of women’s issues
for a short amount of time. Provided I get the grades I want, I will
go to Cambridge next year, and I can only hope that there are some
young men there who have experienced a similar sort of epiphany to
you :)
From F
Very few people subscribe to a philosophy or
movement. People change their behaviour if it’s in their interest to
do so. Affordable childcare, alternative adult care, flexible working
and fair competition (instead of male bonding and boys’ clubs) would
be very good for our economy. Talented women face barriers and are
choosing to give up work or their career. This is in nobody’s
interest except those less talented men who are occupying their place
at the highest levels of society. Research has shown that companies
with women in their boards have higher returns. Why are we
obstructing talented people from contributing to society? Why are we
stopping men from being great fathers by denying sufficient paternity
leave and flexible working. Above all, why are we keeping women in
developing countries in ignorance instead of allowing them to own
their lives? This would ensure a better life for their children and
also decrease unwanted pregnancies. Feminism is in everyone’s
interest, but, alas, it lost the way some time ago. It’s time for
feminism to become ‘humanism’ and ensure that men can see the
benefits of everyone’s equality and liberty irrespective of gender.
George Mason, author of the feature, replies
I take your point that not everyone is going to commit to feminism as a
philosophy or movement, but I don’t think feminism is something which most
people couldn’t at least approve of in a more casual way. Lots of people want
things done about poverty and climate change without necessarily making a huge
commitment or having an exact philosophy about it.
Of course people will change their behaviour if it’s in their interest *and
they know it to be*. The problem as I see it is that people don’t recognise
that feminism is in their interest, and so don’t change their behaviour,
because they don’t recognise that women (and in some areas men) do face
barriers based on their gender. I was giving my view on how we can make men
recognise the barriers faced by women when the nature of the problem means that
we don’t experience it first hand.
I’d support all the measures you’d suggest, particularly over flexible working
and paternity leave. I’m convinced that paternity/maternity leave should be the
same for either gender, as the prejudice that women are better parents is just
as damaging as the prejudice that the are worse leaders or whatever.
In the end though, many of the barriers are going to be grounded in prejudice:
some men will not consider hiring a woman executive, because she doesn’t look
the part or whatever, and some women will not apply to be executives for
similar reasons. Those prejudices have to be challenged directly, you can’t
solve the problem just through skillful policy-making.
From Kate H
George Mason says that as a male he never [saw] harassment happening, and that it took his female friend recounting her experiences to open his eyes to the continuing need for feminism. Whilst he can “barely begin to even imagine what it feels like” the problem is that many men imagine that it must feel rather flattering to hear their
judgments about your body or clothes. On my way to work in a modest but fitted suit I once shocked a group of builders to open-mouthed disbelief when I answered back to a lewd comment by facing them and asking what right they had to publicly rate my posterior. But then is this example any different from the senior manager in the office who calls all his female staff “petal” and tells them how “pretty” they look on some days (is my top too low?) and not on others (wear jeans and no make up for guaranteed invisibility), but NEVER talks to his male staff in this way?
The builder and the aging senior manager and all grades of men in between live their lives relatively free from public comments by women on their appearance. Whilst there is nothing wrong with banter in consensual situations, many, many men unwittingly vocalise the objectification of women as sex objects without thinking or caring about the political implications or about how that makes the woman feel (often belittled, sometimes threatened or disgusted).
The problem of harassment is not particular to strangers shouting out at women in the street. It is a much broader cultural issue than that. I do not accept George’s thesis that men are not aware until a woman tells them about it. Men (and, sadly, many women) are complicit actors in a society that consumes Nuts and Loaded and all the rest of the media which tells us that women are up for it all of the time. At work, in the street, in a bar. Comments are invited by the very fact that we are women, and most of the time we are not expected to speak back.
My relatively unsatisfactory solution is not to wear makeup orparticularly revealing clothes most of the time. This makes me invisible to most men. When I choose to ‘make the effort’ it is because I have chosen to (although this choice is steeped in culture too – who says that made up is sexier for going out or smarter for a job interview?), but you can guarantee that some man or another will comment or stare as if they think it is for him. Just another female body to be consumed by the all pervasive male gaze.
George Mason, author of the feature, replies
I definitely accept that harassment is a broad cultural issue, I was simply writing about the first aspect of it that was drawn to my attention.
I really am sure that men often underestimate its extent or impact, however. In my case I was oblivious to it, and in the case of the builders and men who think it’s ‘flattering’ I expect they are oblivious to the harm caused. This of course cannot excuse them, but I think it does highlight the need for feminists to speak out – as you did.
I’m not sure it’s fair to say that the majority are ‘complicit’ in all this, that suggests too much deliberateness. People tend to act in the way society prescribes as acceptable/normal, which is unfortunately still very sexist in many areas, and this is often self-reinforcing: if everyone does it, then it must be okay. Because of this effect society seems to perpetuate itself without any driving force – no-one has to want it to happen, it just does. Sure, the vast majority of people are part of this process, but I think the vast majority of those are part of it unwittingly.
This is why I think the most important thing is to challenge all of the gender prejudices that produce this process at every possible opportunity.
From Sonia Smith
Re: Who’s to say who understands us?: The 50 Men Who Really Understand Women: I think it has been conclusively proven that Observer Woman magazine is appalling. I agree with a comment made in relation to the review of the magazine published on F Word a few months ago – the mere fact of having a magazine specifically for women, while having nothing similar for men, suggests that we are somehow different, deviant even, with special needs. This article about men who ‘really’ understand women only serves to perpetuate the myth that women are ‘difficult’ and ‘confusing’ for men, that our behaviour is baffling and that they must struggle to understand what motivates us. As though understanding us is some sort of special talent that is to be praised and revered. I used to buy the Observer (although I didn’t enjoy it that much – it was just the most bearable of the Sunday papers – I’m boycotting the Times since they published an article that I thought was racist towards Romanies and refused to apologise) but after the first issue of the Woman magazine I stopped in disgust.
From Ally McBile
This review is bang on the button.
From Liz Guest
In response to Joanna Tocher’s article
I fully agree with Joanna Tocher’s opinions on the Observer article.
It was so disappointing, those female writers should be ashamed of
themselves.
Perhaps the problem was they couldn’t find 50 men to fit the
criteria. I wonder if we could find 50 women who fully understand
women? I wouldn’t be on the list!
From Olga
I found Tocher’s piece to be very well structured and to complement
other pieces you have on “womens” magazines that are now included
with our Sunday papers. I think Tocher gets to the heart of the
problem which is that essentially women are increasingly seen in the
media as are our ‘needs’ only because we are such effective
consumers. I find it horribly depressing that a newspaper should
want to propagate this instead of looking at more intellectual
matters than shopping and botox. I wonder what it implies for the
future of our society too, which Tocher might want to look at in a
future article perhaps. What does it mean that women are
increasingly indebted due to the magnificent marketing aimed straight
at them which is reinforced by the media’s insistence that we are
“shoppers” and little else.
From Pippa Hawken
I stopped reading the Observer woman supplement a long time ago as I
was unable to get through a page without wanting to tear it to
shreds. It’s a horrible magazine entirely based on the premise that
women like pretty shiny things that make them look pretty and make
men like them and want to marry them. It’s edited by Polly Vernon, a
woman who once wrote an article about how it is really cool to be
super-skinny because it makes people from Vogue think you’re cool, so
I suppose we shouldn’t really be surprised.
From Michelle
I was shocked by the retro attitudes of the list. Even the title is
irritating-why do women have to be seen as these mysterious creatures
that men struggle to ‘understand’? You will not gain an understanding
of women by getting bogged down in the superficialities of fashion
and beauty.
From Mark Headey
Re: The Mechanics of Femininity:While I fully agree with Emma Hadfield’s irritation at the gross
assumptions that car mechanics and salesmen make regarding their
female customers, one of her comments did make me to pause;
“men that seem to get lost whilst driving, due to their insistence
that they know the way and their own stubbornness in refusing to use
a map”
Visions of pots and black kettles swam into view.
OK, the mechanics are making an assumption about someone they don’t
know, but it might have been bolstered by exactly the same sort of
examples Emma uses to make her generalisation about male drivers. We
(all of us) tend to notice what we want to notice, and not see what we
do not wish to see.
From Canis
About the ‘girlie’ button thing. You shouldn’t take it so personally. The car advertisement (which I’m
looking for references to on the web, hence i stumbled upon this site)
was one of two adverts, one of which was equally slanderous to men.
In one, a young man drives the car talking to a female audience,
explaining how it’ll be great for girls for loads of reasons, and of
course the ‘girlie’ button.
In the other a woman is driving, and her dialogue is directed at men.
For example at one point she says “It has an engine at the front, for
you to stare at with your mates”, implying that men know actually
nothing about cars but like to pretend they do nevertheless.
So you see, in context it’s not offensive but actually just a bit of
fun. Indeed, you are the very demographic the advert was aimed at
(you mention “I choose to know nothing about cars”) because these
days nobody needs to know about cars to drive them, and that’s what
the adverts were all about.
I wish i could find both ad’s on youtube or somewhere, i’d love to
see them again, they were hilarious.
Anyway, happy motoring.
From P
To Emma Hadfield: quite agree with the article. A couple of years ago
I found my car with a flat tyre. A man, come to ‘help’ me, kept on
asking me whether I had a boyfriend and I kept on asking what a
boyfriend would do. I’m not sure a boyfriend would make a good tyre,
but how would I know? I’m only a girl!
From Carina
Why oh why did you let these men treat
you like this?! Why?! Never mind feeling so disempowered you were
unable to challenge them, that’s just a poor excuse for avoiding a
confrontation, and until you, and I, and all of us, stand up for
ourselves and *demand* to be treated with respect, the cycle will
continute. And why buy a car with such an insulting button? I’d get
another model and practice my parking. Feminism has to be about
action as well as words (in a safe space, no less), otherwise we will
never make progress.
From Roisin
Great article Emma. I totally identify with the sense of
powerlessness you felt when the first mechanic spoke only to your
male companion, not to you. It’s infuriating but very difficult to
know how to address the issue, when the likelihood is that you will
be written off as “a stroppy woman”, “menstrual” and other charming
terms.
From E Baeza Chavez
Re: From peace camps to protests – Finn Mackay: Why can’t we have people like Finn Mackay running the country? More
power to her! Rock on!
From Lisa
Re: Flicking the Bean: I think that one way of changing women’s ideas
about their sexuality is to start from the bottom up (no pun
intended). I have always been very open about sex and masturbation,
and although my friends were a bit uncomfortable with this at first,
the change in them has been astounding. I’m proud to say that all of
them now own at least one vibrator!
I also feel that there is a demand for more female-friendly porn –
that’s not to say romantic and sensitive and all of the other crap
that’s meant to turn us on. I mean, would it kill the porn industry
to put some fanciable men in their films for a change? And someone
needs to realise that it’s possible to be dirty without degrading
women in the process…
It’s time to speak up and be honest about our sexuality, until then
it will be always be (wrongly) defined by men.
From Gloria
I’m not sure female masturbation is quite as taboo as you make
out. I can only speak for my own (18-22ish, university student)
circle, but it seems just as acceptable for girls to talk about
masturbation, in passing, as guys. However, I think you raise a
valuable point about it being taboo in the general public domain.
Having said that, have you noticed the amount masturbation features
in films or on tv compared to sex? Partially explicable (perhaps less
useful for narrative interactions) but still somewhat odd.
From Purple
Re: Lifting the veil on mothers and daughters: I want to comment on your observation that
“When a mother is disempowered herself and cannot teach her daughter
how to claim her own voice and truth, the daughter ends up being
angry at her mother for showing her a disempowered picture of
femininity.”
This does not fit with my experience as a woman with two daughter who
was abused by my husband, who has now left our family home. Like many
women in my position I have a calm and close relationship with both my
daughters. We have discussed the possibility that you raise and both
my daughters acknowledge this could have been a possibility but is
not in fact what happened. Having all witnessed their father’s
violent behaviour has drawn use closer together.
I challange you to consider that what you have found is a selective
observation biased by your own experience of being angry at your own
mother for her lack of power
From Mary
Re: Medical students perform pelvic exams on unconscious women without consent: Regarding pelvic exams in the UK – a teenage girl in my block of flats
had a baby about a year ago. During the latter stages of her pregnancy
I encountered her and she was rather upset. A cup of tea later, she
told me what had happened at the hospital. She’d had an internal
exam, which she was expecting, but there was a gaggle of junior
doctors watching, and so that they could all watch, her partner was
sent out of the room. She was uncomfortable about it anyway, and the
absence of her partner was upsetting and the presence of lots of
other young men was more upsetting still. The doctor performed the
exam, and then invited a couple of the students to have a go (without
a word to the young lady). One of them hurt her and she cried out, her
partner then tried to come back into the room and was told again to go
away. Eventually they all left, her partner was let back in, and she
dissolved in tears.
“Why didn’t you ask them not to? *Tell* them to let S stay, or that
you didn’t want the students touching you?” I asked.
“I didn’t think I was allowed to do that,” she replied.
From A UK Medical Student
It certainly used to but medical school policy now is (rightly) that
this is totally unacceptable and we can only ever do a gynae
examination on an anaesthetised patient with their written consent.
However, if you are in theatre and the consultant tells you to do it
then some students might feel that they have no choice. Thankfully
that has never happened to me.
From Anne
Before my
surgery in 2003 in London I was asked to give permission for 2
students to perform exams (for practice) while I was unconscious. I
did so. I assume had I not given permission they would not have
performed the exams.
From Justin
Re: Disney’s first black princess: Look, I can’t believe what you wrote here about “Princess Maddy.” You
are simply pushing the racist envelope to new heights. A Disney
chairman saying girls like pink is not a racist statement. I am
amazed you were even able to turn it into that. And nobody believes
all blacks practice voodoo. It’s a frickin’ fairytale. This is what
fairytales do. People like you, posting trash like this, are the
reason racism still exists today. Please review my article and let me
know what you think!
Jess McCabe , editor of The F-Word, replies
I think you’ve misunderstood my post (it was written at two in the morning, so I may well be at fault in this case!)
The problem with the Disney spokesman’s statement about girls being genetically disposed to like pink is that it is sexist, not that it is racist. You can tell because he was talking about girls being supposedly predetermine to like pink, not children of a particular race.
I had a quick glance at your post on the film, which seems to argue that calling attention to the fact that this is Disney’s first black princess is encouraging more racism.
My response to that is that it is something of note when media giants like Disney put a black, female character in a lead role, after decades of only putting white female characters in those roles. It’s news worthy, both in terms of it showing a progressive change at the corporation, and in terms of highlighting the wider problem of a lack of diversity in the media. Calling attention to it does not make the problem worse: without the dedicated work of activists highlighting things like a lack of diversity these things would never change.
From Laura Gordon
Re: Fairy Tales are Grimm: I loved the article about fairytales, it echoed a lot of thoughts I’ve had during my reading – but I also love fairytales, and while they are problemative I don’t think it’s necessary to give up on them altogether. The beauty of fairytales is that they are inherently flexible; all they require is the basic structural outlines and the sense of magic, wonder and virtue rewarded.
Although heroines *are* always beautiful, it’s equally important to remember that heros are always handsome – the beauty requirement cuts both ways. And many fairytales contain strong, intelligent women that can be highlighted in the telling. Many versions of Little Red Riding Hood don’t include the woodcutter at all; Little Red Riding Hood cleverly takes a knife with her when she is eaten by the wolf, and as a result is able to cut him from the inside (metaphor there!). Similarly, although Snow White has to be brought back to life by the Prince, she is also sufficiently resourceful to run away to the woods and live there safely.
And I could be wrong as it’s a while since I heard the whole thing, but I’m pretty sure Rapunzel has to rescue the prince when he gets caught by her evil stepmother by the hair trick. And if adapting old fairytales isn’t your scene, I can recommend Robin McKinley’s writing – new fairytales, some modern and some set in fairytale nethertime, aimed at a variety of ages, and all with strong female heroines. My father used to read them to me when I was little and I’m sure they made me the feminist I am today – and I still love them!
From Jill
Re: The Pursuit of Happyness: Sure Will Smith’s film about a male single parent makes a fuss about what *some* of us ladies have done for ages, since time immemorial. But there has been plenty written about this, and some film and TV done about it too. Now maybe it is the turn of the men to have their few minutes of fame as single parents. It’s only redressing the balance, and also why gripe about the American-ness of the film? America is ok, it’s no worse than any other culture.
Don’t be a moaner. Is what you write just sour grapes because Will Smith is likeable, funny, kind, sweet and all the rest, and you just feel jealous?
In sisterhood (I have been a single parent too, plus a whole lot of other things, I’m fabulous of coure, but can come to terms with my ordinariness too…)
Dwysan Edwards, author of the review, replies
Thanks for your comments! Not that I’d ever refer to myself as a ‘lady’ however I’m sure you’re correct that many of us ‘women’ have dealt with exactly what Will Smith has for centuries. I can’t tell you how pleased I was he didn’t receive an Oscar for that load of squeamish rubbish! In a patriarchal world which seems to grow from strength to strength I don’t really believe that men need a “few minutes of fame”, they get plenty! As for redressing the balance, unfortunately that’s still way off in the distance but hopefully the feminist women and organisations such as the F Word will go some way to addressing that.
I can assure you also Jill that I am not a “moaner” though it did bring a smile to my face! It seems that any time a woman has a comment to make she is branded a moaner so no change there! As for being ordinary I admire your humbleness, I would never describe myself as ordinary, I’m a woman after all!
From James Givens
I have to say that I take offence to this article. Surely, a lot of women do this day in and day out like Will Smith did in the movie. So do a lot of men. Most men, at least in the Unites States, who try to keep their kids through a custody battle will lose all things being equal. Furthermore, how could you say that you couldn’t empathize with a man because he was in the same position as you or someone you know is in? I really find that sad. I relate myself to women and men in movies all the time, that is part of what I like about movies and what makes them hit close to home is the realness of the movie.
For the record, I am a man who is a single parent due to a tragedy and I believe why people enjoy this movie is because each of us can relate to some part of his journey. Furthermore, his story of making it big surely shows that he takes more steps toward his financial independence that most people will ever attempt. I am just one of
those single parents who work two jobs trying to make ends meat for my kids.
Dwysan Edwards, author of the review, replies
Most people would agree with you about this film, however what I wrote was my opinion which I think is quite self explanatory and which I stick by. I’m not a fan of ‘American Dream’ films, I found it sickly, unrealistic and uninspirational. I appreciate you have a different view and I also sympathise with your situation. As a single mum with two jobs and studying a degree I know how difficult it is for women and men. I would recommend that in future perhaps you could write your own article for The F Word regarding your views.
From Ryan
Thank you for your article. I agree that The Pursuit of Happiness is a terrible movie, but for different reasons than you. As a white male, I’d just like to point that *white* people have to go through what Will Smith’s character went through, and they do it every day,
and better.
As a wealthy privileged white male, I find it difficult to empathize with a movie about one poor black man’s story, when thousands of *white* people go through the exact same thing each day, and I’d really rather hear about myself. Further, I think that such positive and uplifting stories should in fact be banned, and shunned from our society, unless they explicitly resonate with me, only me, and my white male brethren.
Thank you for your time, and if you’re a good little woman, perhaps we can write a movie about you too some day.
From Maura
Re: Crime and Punishment: Maxine Carr and other ‘;evil women’: Your article made me think again on how I view Maxine Carr. My mother spent many years in and out of Prison and was mentally abusive to all 3 of her children. I consider her to be mentally ill. Not a twisted person.
From Alfred Goodson
Re: Bad Mothers: Well Claire Riley is right about one thing that’s for sure, she should
NEVER have children.
I (a man) have 6 kids ranging in age from 34 down to 15 and have
experience of private and NHS birth. Both excellent!
I’m fairly qualified, although a man, to speak on the subject of
Claire’s article. Following divorce form my wife, my two younger
daughters were taken away from her and residency was given to me. I
have now brought them up on my own for 8 years. I find this very
rewarding, although we are poor financially, as a result. How could I
complain? You should not have children, if all you are going to do is
complain. I am sure that Claire’s kids would be as she describes and
all have ASBOS! Her attitudes would be bound to rub off on them. All
of my children have kept out of trouble and I hope I have set a
reasonable example to them. Good moral standards, good manners and
above all kindness and understanding of others. I am not, however,
professing to be a saint, these are attitudes and qualities that we
should ALL instill into our children!
My kids are also FREE. Especially to express their opinions, which
are listened to by me. I am proud of and love each one of them as
individuals.
Claire, please do NOT tar all mothers with the same brush and bear in
mind that us Dads are not half as bad as you feminists make out.
From Laura
Re: Sin City: Hi, I just want to say that I loved the article by Laura Woodhouse on the film Sin City. I’ve noticed lately that so many films seem to forgot about women completely – it’s possible to watch something like ‘300’ where there’s only basically only one female character, yet this is marketed as being for everyone.
On the other hand, something like Notes On A Scandal, an intense story concentrated on two women, is considered something of a niche product. Even films where male and
female actors are on an equal par – romantic comedies, for example – are dismissed as ‘chick flicks’. Action films are typically blockbusters, but most of the time ‘action’ appears to mean men fighting each other (perhaps with a token feisty woman), and yet
we’re supposed to accept this as an entertainment norm. It seems to me that Hollywood is inherently sexist for this reason alone, not to mention anything of the way actresses are treated.
From cunt
Re: Taboo For Who?: how sweet you feminists are, to go thinking that saying “cunt” out
loud makes you modern.
The last decade or two has been marked by wimmin making a living out
of laughing about how limp and small men’s dicks are.
Let’s see how modern you really are. Let’s welcome comics who make a
living out of jokíng about how dried-up and slack wimmins’ cunts are.
From Andy
Most women I have known detest the word cunt said by anyone but
themselves.
From Mary
Re: Hairy Women: I think hairy females are wonderful!! I’m a hairy women I love my hair
and yes I flant it as much as posable! We all have hair and I choose
not to shave so if some one has a problem with it sorry for there
issues!! Feel free ladys and grow your hair!!! I’m a by female and
love a women with pit hair and all the other places!!!
From gen
Re: The Freedom Trashcan 2002: whats the problem w/ weight watchers and all those other diet
companies. I\\\’m not saying that its bad to be fat, or chubby or
whatever, but what if you want to lose some weight so you can look
good for yourself? If you are unhappy with your weight and dont feel
good about it, i say go on a diet (if thats what u want). Just
because you decide to diet doesn\\\’t mean that you believe women
should look a certain way or should have a certain body type. It just
means that you want to feel good and feel confident about yourself and
your appearance.
From Ian
Re: Oh! Mr Darcy: Come back Darcy, all is forgiven
In response to Sheryl’s article on why Darcy continues to carry such
allure, I suggest that it is all down to the thrill of
unpredictability. The character promises wild passion and that has
to be worth the risk of being dumped. Nice guys are just boring
(dependable, even tempered and so predictable) which is just not the
same as a rollercoaster ride with its huge ups and downs, twists and
turns. This makes you feel alive rather than simply existing. The
sting, however, is that a permanent rollercoaster ride just makes you
sick and want to get off. so there is the choice; safe, predictable
and boring versus extreme, punishing and lively. Most women probably
let their heads rule their hearts and plump for the safer, more stable
yet more boring option long-term but if they have ever been on the
rollercoaster, they will always look up to the skies, hear the
shrieks of terror, glee and shear abandon and the memories (or
fantasies)come flooding back. Darcy is simply the lure of the
rollercoaster. Love them or hate them, they stir the emotions one
way or the other and so cannot be ignored.
From Andrew
At first I was interested in the article being a big fan of Austen,
but I am disappointed at the lack of insight that this piece offered.
Plant recognizes both that Darcy is much more wealthy and powerful
than Elizabeth and that he is “brutal, conquering, [and] dangerous.”
While the former is undoubtebly true, I wonder how one can attatch
the latter epithets to Darcy. Sure, the story reflects patriarchal
nature of 19th century Britain, this is true, but does it not more so
display the rigid class politics? Mr. Darcy is described as conquering
and dangerous personality (by Plant). The only way to possible support
this seems to be with his initial proposal to Elizabeth: “In vain have
I struggled.” This is an internal struggle however, not against
Elizabeth, but against his own superiority complex. I fail to see how
the idolization of Darcy and ‘Darcy-esque’ figures explains “lusting
after the dominant male archetype.” If my reading of this book is
possible, is not the appeal of Mr. Darcy the fact that he changes (or
appears to change) in a way that would please Elizabeth? Sure, his
character is at some points hostile, but is that not also to some
degree due to Elizabeth’s prejudice against him from the onset? In
all, it does not seem fitting to put Mr. Darcy’s character up as a
poster-boy for the ‘bad-boy’ or the controlling uber-masculine and
dominant archetype of female desire. And then to equate women’s
attraction to this ‘chick-lit’ with domestic violence? Seems like a
big stretch. Finally, Elizabeth’s eventually consenting to marry
Darcy shows the irony Austen seems to intend with this story; she
‘buys in’ to the middle class desire of rubbing shoulders with the
upper class. Her marriage seems to be more rooted in the middle
class’s desire for upward mobility than ‘lusting after the dominant
male.’
From Danielle
Re: Mind Your Language: This is in response to “Mind Your Language,” which I greatly enjoyed.
I am surprised that the author did not mention anything about
language and homosexuals. Perhaps what I have observed is unique to
Americans or my immediate area; words like “gay” and “flamer” are
frequently used as insults. I know people who are accepting and
supporting of homosexuals, but mindlessly use “gay” as a put-down. I
remember my peers using the word in such a way that you could replace
it with “stupid,” even when I was too young to understand what sex
was. My first exposure lead me to think of it only as an insult for a
couple years of my childhood. I often hear males my age call each
other “homos” if they want to insult a person for being weak, a bit
strange, or doing anything that goes against accept social norms. I
find it sad that from a young age children learn to associate
language about homosexuality with extreme negativity. The article has
encouraged me to continue make people aware of their word usage and
its effects. Thank you.
Sarah Louisa Phythian-Adams, author of the feature, replies
I would agree wholeheartedly that this is
also a problem. In fact, recently, presenters from a UK TV program called
‘Top Gear’ (a program about cars) were reprimanded after some considerable
complaints about their use of the phrase ‘gay’ to describe cars in a
derogatory fashion. But as far as I know they were not reprimanded for
using ‘girly’ in the same way. Perhaps that tells me something – that gay
lobbyists are doing a much better job than feminist lobbyists?
I for one also question the use of ‘gay’ in this way when in conversation
and people are often surprised and defensive in the same way. In fact,
yesterday I got into a ‘heated’ debate with a colleague who was defending
the use of such classifiers as ‘harmless’ and based in biological and social
differences. I.e. if a car looks ‘gay’, then that’s because it has features
commonly associated with gay culture and by getting offended you are saying
that being gay is offensive. He also used the argument that girls DO throw
and run differently because of biology and that on average it is to a lesser
ability than men.
As I’m sure you’ve experienced, it’s hard to argue with people who take such
a stance, but I took the approach of asking why he felt the need to
segregate – then made comparators with segregating behaviour with say a
racial group such as black men – noting the use of the phrase in a
derogatory manor. In his use of averages and average distributions I also
argued that he personally could not throw farther than the current female
Olympic champion shot putter, nor run faster, so his use of these averages
was spurious at best and noted that these phrases were about reinforcing a
sense of superiority and not about celebrating the difference. He was
reluctant to concede, but the others in the room had stopped agreeing with
him by that point so I think it was worth the effort.
All I think we can do is to keep bringing it up – at least then it will
leave only the wilful agitators using these put downs and remove the general
acceptance and off-the-cuff, not-thought-it through uses.
From B Brown
Re: Your Face is Your Fortune: With respect to the fact that more attractive people do better in
business, as far as i was aware this was the case for both males and
females. I can see the argument that someone who looks after
themself, i.e. gets enough sleep, eats well, exercises etc which has
an impact on how you look indicates someones ability at self
management.
I was wondering if the author could explain further how this affects
women more than men and perhaps how we got into this situation –
would a majority of women running businesses change this fact?
From Steph Reid
Re: Declaration of Independence: Fab article, i’m 21 and everyone is constantly asking me if i’ve
a boyfriend..then whispering “what about a girlfriend”. a few of my
closest friends are engaged and i’m happy for them because they are
happy, but they don’t seem to get that i’m happy being independant. I’m emailing your article to them, amybe then they’ll get it a bit
more.
From Mary Ann Dawkins
Re: War of Words: This article ‘war of words’, honestly makes me feel proud of some
recent decisions I have made.
I am a 19 year old sophomore student at California State University,
Fresno. I am a nursing and a women’s studies double major. The reason
I decided to add women’s studies as my second major, would be because
of my Intro to Women’s Studies teacher Dr. Katheryn Forbes of CSUF.
He commitment to teach the 30 of us in her class in such a passionate
and moving way, helped spread her passionate interest into myself. I
wanted to be able to graduate, hopefully start a support group for
women who were just released into society after incarceration. I also
wanted to teach a seminar at local high schools about certain topics
about women such as early pregnancies, rape, women and education
etcetera.
This brings me to what made me come across this article. A group of
my close girlfriends and i created a little group name for our clique
called ‘mighty drunk sluts’. It was a purely satirical ideology that
was suppose to ‘poke fun’ of all the dumb little groups of girls out
there that have secret handshakes and codes of conduct, whatever. but
my friends started to soon take the group seriously, and then BECOME
what we were trying to joke on in the first place. and then some of
their actions became quite related to what a ‘real slut’ would do.
For example, at every party, they would seek out men, that would be
willing to give them lapdances. it was an act, that i honestly am too
conservative to take part in. the big issue comes with the usage of
the term ‘slut’. at first, yes, i took part too. we would all call
each other that, in a playful, fun manner. but then when it was being
used freely, out in the open, i would notice some people weren’t
taking to it-us using the term so freely, i began to wonder–‘why the
stares?’
Finally, I just got sick of it all. I finally realize, NO i am NOT a
slut, nor do i want to be called one, or portrayed to act like one. I
find the word seriously demeaning, and negative and it is downright
ignorant to use it. So I finally asked my friends to stop calling me
one. It took alot for me to say it. It was signifying that i didn’t
want to be part of this little clique that this hypocrite (me) came
up with, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t go one more day living
surrounded but such hurtful words. Your article inspires me. and I
would like to take the time to thank you for that.
From Roisin
Re: Suffering In Silence: I can’t tell you how great it is to hear such positive and enthusiastic comments from a male feminist – you are very thin on the ground and we all wish there were more of you! Very interesting article…