Remember the Random Acts of Feminism article in last week’s Guardian? Well, Wendy Roby who wrote the piece has sent in some extras that they couldn’t fit in, but are nonetheless wonderful:
The berks what produce these things helpfully provide you with email
addresses – so you can send in pictures of yourself with no clothes
on. I thought this might be a Death Star-style weak spot in their
nasty little racket, as it provides you with an opening to tell them
what you think. You could style your email like a budding page three
starlet, but attach a picture of something decidedly less sexy, for
example. Or just whack them a massive attachment or two – anything
to slow down their day as they frantically grope through their inbox.
The Equal Opps Commission included the pay gap in the final survey
they produced before downing tools last year. But they surprised 0
out of 10 women with their findings. So one of my favourite random
acts is to advocate petty theft, especially if you’ve spent a
lifetime playing secretary to rude men, like what I have. Obviously
theft is very bad and is probably one of the ten commandments. But
you know, it’s a nice way to get your own back.
Pick up after others, much? I fancy you do. So why not follow in my
Mum’s footsteps and pay yourself for that which you do? Given that
she organises all the money, cooks like a Heston, cleans like a
Stepford and offers emotional support like a Freud, why should she
not have a little extra from the joint account? After all, nobody
reads bank statements any more. Especially not my Dad. So that
standing order for ES Cleaning Services? Totally innocuous, dear.
One suggestion came from a shorthand teacher, who suggested we drop a
few f-bombs into the classroom. So rather than dictating the usual
Letter to the Sales Director re Manila Envelopes, her students
transcribed pieces from Spare Rib in their neatest Tee line.
There’s loads of potential in this, I think – cunning lesson
plans and well-chosen source documents for comprehension tests, say.
They could come from a much livelier female corner, no?
AND THE REST
Spread your legs the bus or tube – suddenly and without warning, to
reclaim the space hogged by male knees / Buy yourself a shed / Use the
men’s loos / Buy Maisie Books for your kids – Maisie pilots
planes, drives tractors and mans fire engines / Don’t correct
anyone who calls your little angel ‘girl’ when he’s actually a
wee boy (and vice versa) / have an amnesty on bitching / use
super-posh cusses rather than slut, slag, or bitch – ‘frightfully
mean’ and ‘horrid’ are good / give up your seat on the bus for
another woman, regardless of buns in ovens or wrinkly eyes / initiate
some rudies with your (if male) partner – but don’t reciprocate /
don’t pay for Heat – read it in the newsagents / use a marker pen
to deface offensive advertising, and then complain to the ASA /
‘accidentally’ mark Playboy merch in shops with said handy black
marker / always challenge the use of the c-bomb / pretend your
chocolate bar is a carrot, and banish any guilt you feel about eating
/ shout at some builders / stick up for beleagured female celebrities
– espesh Britney, Winehouse / pay your female acquaintainces a
compliment as often as possible / encourage female work colleagues to
ask for a pay-rise / Don’t limit yourself to Ms, Miss, Mrs or Mr,
when you can have Sister, Reverend or Lady.