Comments on this month’s features and reviews
Losing my hijab, by Ala Abbas
From Standtall-The Activist
When I stopped wearing Hijab, I lost a lot of my muslim friends. Those
that were in the same arabic school with me thought I was possessed by the
devil nd couldn’t comprehend my actions.
It was all about me and not about them. If I want to wear Hijab it should
be because I chose to and not because I was compelled to. And that was why
I was wearing it at first. I was compelled. My mother was equally
disappointed before she got used to it.
Well, it was easy for me to do because I was born and raised in the
Southern part of Nigeria, if I were to be born and raised in the North and
by muslim hausa family, it would be a very tough battle to fight
From Claire
Best wishes to you for this decision. I hope you don’t encounter any
problems.
Personally I don’t mind what consenting adults wear as long as it
doesn’t frighten the horses or risk life and limb, and if a woman wants
to wear a burkha, it’s up to her (as long as she realises she’s letting
herself in for a life of bone disease due to lack of sunlight). As long as
it is a genuine free choice, mind.
Of course most feminists would find the idea of women having legal or
social constrictions on their clothing or appearance which men don’t have
to put up with utterly wrong – at least the Taliban were just as
dictatorial towards their menfolk what with the compulsory beards and
specifically Islamic clothing!. I can understand that in some societies,
covering up offers some degree of protection, respect, being treated less
like a sex object and more like a human being. The fault is clearly with
society treating people like this, though, and not with women daring to
show their hair to the world! We used to have a saying in the 70s
“whatever I wear, wherever I go, yes means yes and no means no!”
However, I don’t believe the hijab is about modesty. I recall seeing a
young woman in a hijab at a restaurant, her low slung jeans showing the
skimpy underwear, but, hey, at least she’s modestly dressed because her
head’s covered, right? If it really is about modesty why do little girls
wear it? The author says it’s when a girl reaches nine years that she’s
expected to cover up. I’ve seen toddlers wearing little hijabs! I do find
it upsetting that little girls are clearly not allowed to be children, but
instead are required to show their allegiance (something which at that age
they have no choice in) to a religion, or may it’s purely cultural? It is
increasing though, I am sure, and if all the young Muslim women you know
are covering their heads, there’s strong pressure on you to follow suit.
Jess McCabe, editor of The F-Word, replies
This post at Muslima Media Watch deconstructs some of the issues around Vitamin D deficiency
From Sheryl
I want to thank you for this post. I enjoy reading about other cultures
and womens’ place in them.
From khadijah
Please change your thoughts for this is Shaytan.
Jess McCabe, editor of The F-Word, replies
Yeah, we really got this comment!
IT’s a man’s world? by Sue Schofield
From Claire A
In response to your article about Women in IT – I work in the Service
Management arm of the industry which is one of the more customer service
focused areas, so does seem to have a higher percentage of women than many
traditionally techy areas. Despite this, I attended a conference this year
that had a lady in a ‘sexy nurse’ outfit luring people to one of the
stalls. When my colleague and I went to tell them they had lost any chance
of our future business, we were told that as women were probably about 10%
of the attendees, they weren’t all that bothered! And it was only ‘a bit of
a laugh’ any way.
The weirdest thing was, the lady dressed as a nurse was the lady who owned
the company!
From Ruth Seeley
Reaction to the ‘won’t go down’ ad is interesting to me – and perhaps
indicative of how times have changed in a good way.
Six or seven years ago I worked for a Canadian company with a British
parent. The British company chose to put a rather suggestive photo of a
woman eating a piece of cream pie (an image from an ad campaign it was
running in the UK) on the cover of its internal communications magazine (we
were an energy generator and it was a clever campaign, although I can’t
remember the copy or the tie-in to energy from the ad series).
Women at the Canadian branch were outraged by the image and didn’t
hesitate to take it up via email with head office, whose stance was
basically, ‘we have a different, more cheeky approach to advertising here
in the UK.’ Which is certainly true – Australian and UK ads are often
perceived as sexist and shocking here in North America, the place to which
you exported all your Puritans. ;)
But it’s interesting to me to see that the tide may well be turning in the
UK as well. I do sometimes wonder what the male response to objectification
would really be if it were adopted on a wide scale. Sadly, unless it
affected their employability and pay rates, I don’t think there’d be a
terrible outcry about it.
From Clare
I don’t understand why in several places and from several sources in this
article ‘geeks’ are somehow assumed to be a) male and b) weird. If you work
with programming languages for a living you are by default a geek. There
are plenty of female geeks out there who love science, maths, computers,
reading, gaming, music, etc. I think the problem is less one of ‘geek’
culture and more one of sexist culture.
From Hannah Dee
I’m deputy chair of BCSWomen, the British Computer Society’s “specialist
group” for supporting women in computing, and I’d like to add that there
are all sorts of initiatives going on to support and encourage women into
tech positions and to encourage women to stay in tech when they get here.
I organise the BCSWomen Lovelace Colloquium, now in it’s 2nd year, which
is a one-day event for undergrads; I was shocked last year at how many
attendees were the only women in their department. See
http://www.comp.leeds.ac.uk/bcswomen/ for details. Postgrads have the
London Hopper, organised at QMUL,
http://www.dcs.qmul.ac.uk/women/LondonHopper2009.php. There are big
projects going on around career breaks and returners organised by the BCS
and also by the UKRC see for example
http://www.ukrc4setwomen.org/html/women-and-girls
and there are networking events run by us (BCSWomen) and also
womenintechnology.co.uk and girlgeekdinners. There are also a number of
mailing lists and groups for informal support on a day to day basis.
Providing a space for women to talk together and to support each other
(and to complain to advertisers and write to papers and so on!) seems to be
an important thing; if you’re the only woman in the office the sexist
bullshit can begin to seem normal.
From A Fitton
I enjoyed programming at university and seriously considered a career in
IT, but when it came to the crunch I didn’t want to spend my the next
thirty years in such the overtly male and OTTgeek culture that prevailed in
computing at university.
From A different Helen
Sue Schofields article brought back memories. I worked in IT for seven
years and I would not work in that industry again. Every day something
happened to annoy me: another dumb blonde/women driver joke in the email, a
colleague accessing porn at the terminal next to mine, the hiring of a
strippagram for someones lunchtime leaving do (and then publishing the
pictures on the intranet, and having T shirts made of the poor woman), not
to mention all the important things like never being recognized, not
getting bonuses, always last in the queue for a promotion etc etc.
Of course not all my colleagues were hostile and sexist, in fact most of
them werent and I still keep in contact with quite a few of them. The ones
that were though really did spoil things, and made life miserable. I
remember getting up in the morning and mentally putting on a “thick skin”
ready for the day ahead. I stuck it out because I had small children at the
time, and there was an excellent day nursery just down the road, which
meant I could earn money and keep my skills up whilst knowing my children
were happy and safe. After seven soul destroying years the company imploded
(a foretaste of the impending credit crunch) and happily I was made
redundant. I now work in engineering rather than IT, where fortunately the
men are men, and not smutty fourteen year olds.
Breastfeeding: radical, feminist and good for you, by Kate Joester
From Laurie Joanow
Thank you for this wonderful article. It beautifully says what I have
long thought/felt about the intersection of feminism and breastfeeding.
Bravo!
From Laura
Excellent article!
Thank you!
From FilthyGrandeurM
This is a comment regarding your recent breast-feeding article. I found
it very touching, and was crying by the end of it. I have already decided
that when I have my children I will breastfeed, but this article put new
perspective on it. I thought of how breastfeeding is stigmatized in
society, where people are shocked when it happens in public, or how we have
breast pumps to distance that bond without the guilt of formula feeding.
At any rate, this article is wonderful
From Katy Murr
What came through really strongly in this article was a sense that a
woman’s choice to make her own decisions – in this case to breastfeed – is
hers to make alone, whilst being informed of relevant information (i.e.
nutritional value of mothers’ milk vs formula.) I especially like how Kate
talks about herself ‘growing’ into a feminist, an activist, someone who
openly embraces what she wants to fight for. This is the sort of thing
schoolchildren need to be reading – before it’s too late.
From Cara
Fair enough to advocate breastfeeding, but this:
‘Breastfeeding works, in a huge majority of cases, if you believe it’s
going to work. Women with no alternative rarely fail.’
sounds like blaming the women who for whatever reason *can’t* breastfeed
– or understandably, don’t wish to put themselves through intense pain to
do so.
On that, I can’t see how ‘battling through’ breastfeeding when it is agony
is healthy, and it feeds worryingly into patriarchy’s ‘mother as martyr’
dynamic
Perhaps breastfeeding advocacy would work better if women weren’t made to
feel failures for having trouble, with sentiments such as the quote above
implying it is their fault, but just non judgementally helped to work
through whatever the issue is.
From Evie Wallace
Kate Joester’s article reminded me of how , a few years ago, Jordan
enraged the Breastfeeding Gestapo by stating plainly that she had no
intention of nursing her newborn daughter because it disgusted her, and
furthermore she had been given a large supply of formula in throwaway
bottles. I had to admire her bald forthrightness; she didn’t even bother
with the usual caveat (“I felt so guilty but I just couldn’t manage it.
Truly I feel terrible though . . lash lash . . I am a bad mother . . whip
whip”.) Nope. She didn’t want to do it and fuck the lot of you.
In the backlash that followed the word ‘selfish’ was used a lot. And
I mean – A Lot. It always is when Mothers Put Their Needs First. So
selfish! If you don’t want to make sacrifices why have babies in the
first place! Formula is nutritionally inferior. Selfish Selfish Selfish.
It’s different for feminists. Referring to other women as selfish
isn’t really on, so instead, a form of saintly condescension is used.
“Breastfeeding works, in a huge majority of cases, if you believe it’s
going to work. Women with no alternative rarely fail.” Statistics
please? Or perhaps the women with no alternative watch their babies die.
Kate is angry that women have fallen victim to the Nestle patriarchy. Why
can’t we just believe in ourselves? “I hate that so many women don’t
believe that of themselves and bemused that handing that capacity over to
someone else is seen by some as liberating.” Don’t feel sorry for me
Kate. I don’t need your bewildered pity. I’m well aware that
breastfeeding is nutritionally superior but I also thought that feminism
was about choice and respecting each other’s choices. I bottle fed two
children who are both strong and healthy. To my friends who have breastfed
I have nothing but respect because it’s their choice. Motherhood has
taught me tolerance.
From Kez
Thank you, thank you for writing this article, which expresses so much
that I feel. It had me in tears. I find it so disappointing how
breastfeeding myths are repeatedly peddled and believed and not
questioned… it’s wonderful to read something written from the heart about
what breastfeeding can and does mean for many women. No, it’s not always
easy, especially in the early stages, but with the right support,
information and advice (sadly often not forthcoming even from health
professionals), virtually any woman can successfully breastfeed. And it is
so very worth it.
The framing of breastfeeding as just another “lifestyle choice” renders
invisible the powerful business interests which benefit from women
believing they can’t or shouldn’t breastfeed. There’s money – lots of it –
to be made from selling infant formula, both at home and abroad, and
contrary to what many people believe, the unethical marketing practices
used by certain companies have not ceased. Gabrielle Palmer’s “The Politics
of Breastfeeding” (new edition out round about now) makes it very clear
some of the reasons why feminists should be concerned about this.
Thank you again for a wonderful article.
From Ruth Moss
What a refreshing change to read an article focusing on the “radical and
feminist” side of breastfeeding.
I loved the part about “getting your body back”; I too have always found
that a strange idea as while nursing my little one, my body finally feels
like my own; nice to know I’m not the only one.
It’s interesting you mentioned you were not the first in your family to
breastfeed, and I think that outside of the formula companies (who do their
very best, as you say, to wreck breastfeeding and make women doubt their
own bodies) this is one of the reasons that many women stop in the early
days. I think that when your relatives and peers have all fed babies in the
same way, this seems like the normal course of action to take, and when
things get difficult (as often they do) the recourse is to the default
family position… so if everyone else has nursed their babies, then you
believe it’s possible and almost always find a way. However if not, then
you are much more likely to bottle-feed.
I think lack of support is such a huge reason for giving up in the early
days, especially familial support. I think this is why, in the absence of
this support, groups like LLL and other mother-to-mother support
organisations are so important. Trouble is, people often don’t find out
about these types of groups when they need to.
I really enjoyed this article. I think you may get some stick, as anyone
does when they openly state that breastfeeding is better than the
alternatives (“you’re making women feel guilty!”), but good on you for
saying it.
From Jenny
Fantastic article about breastfeeing as a feminist act, Kate! I totally
agree with you, that it is shameful how an industry is built on telling
women they can’t do something that they are designed to. I breast-fed my
two kids through thrush, mastitis, bitten, cracked nipples and emotional
pain and fear of failure through sheer blood-mindedness and will to do the
best thing but I can understand why some women back down in the face of the
lies and crap spewed out by the formula pushers. Anyway – I just wanted to
say I loved this article and thanks for writing it.
From Sarah
Thank you Kate for such a well written article. I find it difficult to
understand why so many women don’t get angrier at what happens to women’s
bodies whether through bottle feeding or lewd pictures of women’s bodies in
newspapers, etc. Do we acquiesce because it is easier than to fight.
Anyway I particularly liked what you said in the last paragraph about women
getting their bodies back.
From Clare
Thank you so much for writing this, Kate. It articulated something I’d
felt but was unable to put into words. I also felt that my children gave
me my body back and discovered a new sense of joy in it – something I’d
never felt, even at my most conventionally “attractive” and “sexy”.
Suddenly I accepted myself. Some people have found that hard to take
(mostly relatives and female friends) who find it hard to accept that I’m
not stressed out at all about how I look now. However, now I’ve tasted
ownership of my own body I’m not willing to concede it to anyone else.
Feminist progress: undermined by the media? by Anna-Kate
From Clare
It makes me angry sometimes, girls everywhere are so frustrated that their
tummy’s not flat. Why are girls so obsessed with their appearance anyway?
Because of male culture causing them to be? Or because they’re obsessed in
the first place?
Confusing and annoying!
Our culture kinda makes women think their only value is in youth and in
how perfecr they can be – media does have influence. No wonder women of all
ages are desperate to look good against all wit.
From JENNIFER DREW
This was an excellent article showing exactly how the media systematically
undermines and ensures patriarchy in all its forms continues unchallenged.
However, I strongly believe pornography can never be acceptable but I do
not advocate censorship. What is needed is media education and it is vital
media education is taught as a compulsory subject in all schools from
primary school upwards. But – the government, media and male-dominated
institutions which profit from representing women and girls as men’s
sexualised commodities have and continue to oppose such a ‘radical feminist
demand.’
We need to ask why is pornography now mainstreamed and why are so many men
and boys accessing these images and why far too many boys and men are
accepting such violent, misogynistic and women-hating pornography as
‘fantasy,’ ‘harmless’ and even as realistic portrayals of how women and
girls as a group are defined. Concisely, why are women and girls all
reduced to men’s and boys’ sexual commodities?
The answer is complex and whilst I do not criticise women and girls who
aspire to become men’s sexual commodities by way of glamour modelling or
becoming lap dancers, such roles are limiting and serve only to reinforce
patriarchal power over women and girls.
We need to go to the source or root of the problem and that is men and
masculinity. Men are still defined as human and it is the male-defined
view which is promoted as ‘human’ and in no need of self-criticism or
critique.
The myth of ‘girl power’ is a myth promoted by media and advertising
industries as well as government institutions. The reality is very few
women and girls can become the mythical creatures media and advertising
promotes. ‘Girl power’ is not about ‘power’ it is about reducing women and
girls to men’s sexual commodities and also ensuring women and girls remain
focused on not measuring up to male-defined standards. Telling women and
girls they need to buy this or that product in order to be accepted by the
‘male gaze’ keeps us all in a constant state of worry and also renders
invisible the many acts of discrimination, women-hating and male violence
committed against women and girls.
Still, not to worry if a woman or girl is suffering from low self-esteem
or poor body image, there are plenty of products for the woman/girl to buy
which will supposedly make her feel better. Or the woman/girl can always
seek counselling in order to address her supposedly ‘individual negative
feelings.’ What this does of course is sends a clear message that if a
woman/girl is experiencing problems around her self-esteem and inability to
conform or achieve a good education or career then it is an individual
female problem not because our society is patriarchal and determined to
enforce female subordination and male control over women and girls.
As Anna-Kate demonstrated there are huge profits regularly made by
advertising, cosmetic, media and of course the porn industry which all work
to keep women and girls in a constant state of fear and worry because they
do not match up to the male ideal of what women are supposed to be and
enact.
Such misogynistic messages do negatively affect all women and girls
irrespective of their class, ethnicity etc. because central is the fact
women and girls are still represented as ‘deviant from the male norm.’
Rather than viewing women and girls who buy into these misogoynistic
messages as ‘poor creatures’ or ‘consumer obsessed’ we must continue
challenging the media and its obsession with profiting from dehumanising
women and girls.
Patriarchy which is all about men’s power and control over women and girls
will not be overthrown by believing women and girls have a choice when in
fact there is no choice. Peer pressure works to subtly make women and
girls conform to male-defined ideas and the media is a propaganda tool of
patriarchy. Not all women and girls accept such messages but it is very
hard when everywhere we see the only mythical way for women and girls to
achieve fulfilling lives is by becoming men’s and boys’ pornified sexual
objects. Ones who have no emotions, feelings or individual views but whose
sole purpose is to sexually service and serve men’s and boys’ needs.
Whether it is emotional/relational/sexual or whatever – the message is the
same – men and boys first second and last.
Two books which analyse the complexities of how the media is used to
reinforce and uphold male power over women is The Lolita Effect by M. Gigi
Durham and also The Gender Knot by Allan Johnson. Also, the Report of The
APA Task Force On The Sexualisation of Girls very astutely analyses and
dismantles claims ‘girls and women have now achieved full human status.’
May be one day women and girls will achieve full human status but it
certainly will not be in the next decade or so. In the meantime we must
continue to challenge media misogynistic representation of women and girls
whilst simultaneously not blaming women and girls for accepting these
women-hating myths.
Men will not give up their power to define what is supposedly human which
is still claimed to be ‘male,’ without a huge struggle. This is why the
latest attempt at eliminating feminism and keeping women and girls firmly
under the heel of male oppression is so widespread. It also partially
explains why pornography is now mainstream because pornography is a tool of
the patriarchy and porn’s central message is women and girls are
dehumanised beings – who can be sadistically and callously sexually
degraded by males because these non-humans do not deserve to be treated
with respect and dignity. That right is still reserved for males only.
From Barnaby Dawson
I think one good way to deal with the biases in the pornography industry
and the media would be to illegalize discrimination on the basis of
appearence (and extend existing discrimination laws to the media). Then
porn mags would have to present a proper cross section of men and women
from all walks of society and all aesthetics.
In addition picking news readers, waitresses, secretaries and laywers for
their looks would become illegal.
This won’t solve all the problems but might go along way in that
direction.
From Lisa
Action plan:
1. Stop buying/watching the media. Even broadsheets like the Guardian are
sliding down this slippery slope.Try ‘International Herald Tribune’, ‘The
Economist’, ‘The Financial Times’ – it’s not just Finance and specialist
press e.g. the sport, hobby you’re interested in. Get rid or make TV as
invisible as possible (mine’s in my cellar so I have to make a real effort
to watch – usually for a rented DVD).
2. Make your own realistic media (photos, art work, film including
pronography if you want – I live in Berlin where alternative pornography
and art work made by women makes a refreshing change !)
3. Supervise your children’s internet use. If you wouldn’t let your
daughter wander through a sex shop on her own, why let her wander through
the internet on her own. You’re also within your rights to question her
friends’ parents about the internet in their home and if you’re not happy
no going round to play.
3. Actively promote a wide range of media not only in your own home but at
your children’s school – teachers are always keen to discuss books,
periodicals etc. Help out in the school library and let subscriptions to
Teen Mags lapse !
4. Critically discuss the media with your children and other women and
plan boycotts or activism if you’re particuarly angry.
5. Take practical steps to guide your daughters in their choice of
clothes, cosmetics etc. e.g. offer to buy her make up with her and take her
to an organic cosmetics shop to buy high quality, natural, not tested on
animals make up. Explain to her that (whether we like it or not !) some
clothes are better than others in certain situations and that there is a
time and place for the short skirt, high heel, revealing top combination.
Explain to her when, where and why. We do our daughters no favours by
remaining silent and leaving them ignorant.
6. Talk about pornography in an age-approriate way. Just because a child
ought not to be able to access it doesn’t mean that they won’t. Far, far
better that she knows what it is in advance, what that the ‘porn’ look is
and why it must be her choice if, when and where she copies it.
From Jenni P.
So true! I can’t count the number of times I’ve flipped open a woman’s
magazine only to put it down before actually reading anything because every
article deals with how to make yourself more desirable for a man some way.
And the really dangerous thing is that these magazines promote themselves
as being for and by modern empowered women, but then the content seeks to
empower women by teaching them how to better please a man, lose weight, or
become some kind of sex goddess. As if being able to give a great blow job
and look good in a thong is all a woman needs to feel like a whole complete
person worthy of love. Its almost disturbing when you compare a man’s
magazine to a woman’s magazine. I’ve never seen a Maxim with an article
about how to read your woman emotionally (at best, I came across an article
once that attempted to help men identify a fake orgasm from a real one) but
its almost guaranteed that any given issue of a woman’s magazine will have
an issue about how to make a man happy, whether sexually or emotionally.
Most mass media outlets seem to transmit the value that a woman’s self
worth is ultimately determined by her ability to attract and keep a man and
its seriously disturbing. Thanks for writing the article.
Challenging sex object culture: definitely needed, definitely lively and definitely a key issue for 2009! by Sandrine Levêque
From ALEX
I go to my local shop and its like walking into a raid at a warehouse.
The so-called
“top shelf” is so low down they ought to give away a packet of sweeties
and a
“fun frisbee” with each copy of “Dirty Teens”. This does at least prove 1
thing which is that “real porn” is not that different from the weekly
supply of bosoms and bums offered by Zuts and Noo.
I walk to work and along the route I pass the city centre
“Gentlemens Club” which is supposedly no different from a coffee shop.
Ever tried asking for a lap dance in Starbucks. No, me neither.
I click on to the internet to be told by AOL the hot searches are Lucy
Pinder (big knockers of interest to DA LADS and thery’re real what a
novelty) and Claire Sweeney (shes on a diet or rather she isn’t but shes
gaining publicity for her weight so thats of interest to THE GIRLS
obviously). I switch on BBC2 where “Sir” Phallus Sugar spouts his contempt
for women at Fiona Bruce and refers to a certain lady journo as a “nasal
hag” , but hey he is a “great British entreuprener” and he’d make a good
Prime Minister and mealy mouth drivel to that effect
Anyway this is not merely an attempt to put as many dumb phrases in
inverted commas as possible. Really its a modest plea to those of us female
or male who are sick of all this. Lets make 2009 the year when we really
raise our voices. We’re at the end of a decade and its time for a new
attitude. Wear your duffel coat with pride.
STAY BEAUTFUL
From JENNIFER DREW
Reference article ‘Challenging Sex Object Culture. Ah that much used term
‘sex culture’ or the other claim ‘we live in a culture which is sex
obsessed.’
Both phrases are wrong and are used deliberately to hide the fact it is
women and girls who are being reduced to men’s sexualised commodities. So,
term should not be ‘sex object culture’ but ‘female sex object culture.’
Where are the images of men and boys being portrayed as dehumanised
sexualised commodities I ask myself? Answer there are none because men and
boys are individual human beings unlike women and girls.
Also, misogyny and racism cannot be separated out because sexism/misogyny
and racism are primarily about reducing women of all ethnicities and
cultures to men’s and boys’ sexualised slaves. How this occurs varies from
culture to culture but its aim is always identical – women and girls are
supposed to exist to serve men and boys.
Pornography plays a central role in reinforcing misogynistic myths
concerning women and girls and we must not forget pornography also promotes
racist hatred of women who are not white.
I see no ‘agency or choice’ when all women and girls are constantly being
sold a very narrow and patriarchal message – which is in order to achieve a
miniscule of respect and dignity, all women and girls must dehumanise
themselves and turn themselves into men’s sexualised masturbatory objects.
And we wonder why so many men are committing sexual violence against women
and girls, knowing their crimes will be condoned/justified or excused. Ah
but women have achieved full human dignity and respect and are now
supposedly seen as equally human compared to men. So, this explains why
women and girls are still being blamed for men’s violence against them. It
is all due to ‘individual wrong choices!’ Looks like an exciting and
challenging year for Object – but I know Object will continue to grow and
be a ‘thorn in the side of male-dominated media and male-dominated
government.
The Woman Who Thought She Was a Planet, a review by Jess McCabe
From Ruth Moss
Thanks for this review – it sounds just brilliant – when I find a bit of
spare cash from somewhere it’ll be the first thing I buy!!
Comments on older features and reviews
Maid of the manor, by Amity Reed
From Jackie Bather
Having just read the article”Maid Of The Manor” by Amity Reed, a thought
springs to my mind.Men don’t essentially want to do the boring
stuff…which includes housework…and would much rather someone else did
it…anyone, really.End of story.This work has no status attached to it and
many men are hung up on status, aren’t they ? If doing jobs around the
house became a high-status social activity, with much acclaim attached,
they would be in there like a rocket, I think.
The Virgin Daughters, by Dawn Kofie
From Megan
Seems to me this article explores the possibility that girls would want to
“sexually explore”. Girls want respectful relationships, exploration as a
means to an end, all while the male end in ultimately imposed. Rarely is
it respectable. It is time you embrace the fact that as times would have
it, post sexual revolution, your efforts would be better spent guiding
youth to the realities it exposed instead. Simply put, “fuck her and leave
her” mentality, s.t.d.’s, and degradation, all of which we are persecuted
by others and worse our own selves. Once again accept that you need to
teach self-reliance, not exploration as the means to an end. My best sex
has occurred only after I was able to take action in my life, find love in
my mistakes, not while sitting around waiting for somebody to do those
things for me. Show care not ignorance. Educate what is feminism today,
not how to have an orgasm. I can do it but so can you. Thank you for your
time.
Jess McCabe, editor of The F-Word, replies
I’m not really sure what the point is – yes, it’s a good idea to teach girls that there are some difficult realities they will may face, but it’s also crucially important in my view to teach girls to explore and own their sexuality, have orgasms, seek sexual pleasure on their own terms.
The Perfect Vagina, a review by Amy Clare
From Christy Garrett
Thank you for your very liberated and beautiful perspective. I was
struggling with this issue and as I read your article I felt my fears
slipping away. Why should we change ourselves to please another? That
makes no sense! Men need to accept us the way we are and that will only
happen if we first accept ourselves as we are. I refuse to change myself!
I am a woman and I am VERY POWERFUL and QUITE MAGNIFICENT!
‘Men are back’ – but where did they go? by Sheryl Plant
From Johnny
OK, now this is getting blatantly stupid.
Does Ms Plant have better things to do? I grew up with ads lampooning men,
the phrase “men! They’re all the same!” has been launched on TV on
unsuspecting screens so many times I forget to count!
Personally, I think the McDonalds ad sounds depressing but the peugeot ad
is a bit of a relief, to be honest after all this time!
I think feminism should now be shut down since it has outlasted its
usefulness. No longer trying to gain equality for women like it should, but
bitching about phallus substitutes (which could be anything – cars to
coffee) when it’s fairly obvious who took the damned phalluses in the first
place!
And I’ve said this before. What about the Taliban controlling towns and
locking girls in burning buildings because they’re not wearing burkhas, or
being burnt half to death in honour killings? What about women being owned
in Saudi Arabia as property by men? Where are your articles on these, or
don’t they matter to you anymore? (Don’t forget, it’s not only women who
say these things.)
Feminists, you’d better prove to existence that you actually CARE about
women in the third world (lack of education, no birth control, AIDS, etc)
than a group of complaining idiots who need to get your damned priorities
straight!
Jess McCabe, editor of The F-Word, replies
Why do I even bother? Yes, there are problems with how men are portrayed in advertising. But I can’t even begin to address that, given the rest of this comment. First of all go here, then here, then try setting aside your male privilege and putting yourself in someone else’s shoes for five minutes.
So, you really think we’re stupid, do you? by Ananya
From Catie Gutierrez
This is a message for Ananya to commend her article “So, you really think
we’re stupid, do you?” I believe this article raises a very important issue
and has explained it very well. You have identified the mentality behind
the content of these magazines in a way that people five times your age
still don’t begin to think about. Well done!
Why feminists shouldn’t have to keep mum, by Victoria Dutchman-Smith
From Anonymous Harridan
“Why feminists shouldn’t keep mum” – brilliant article, with very good
points aptly spelled out. Yes, i agree, many mothers make virtue out of
necessity, and media sells them this cheap notion that it is fabulously
important and rewarding to, basically, stick to traditional role
distribution in family where a woman ends up doing the most. Again, it is a
glorification of less than happy living of women as mothers, instead of
being more critical of father’s involvement, or encouraging mothers to get
out of their men more instead of just moaning and feeling inadequate. And
Victoria is also spot on that criticizing the burden put on mothers is not
the same as diminishing what women do.
If you think it is then you are most likely to be trapped in notion that,
in order to think well of yourself you need to kill yourself in the act of
selfless serving others. When the ideal is to do much less, not to forget
enjoy yourself along the way and, obviously, think you are being fantastic
(as mother, woman, human being, employee etc)
From Gillian
I thought your article was brilliant and expressed many of the feelings I
have had in my year of maternity leave. My time off work was my choice and
enabled myself and my partner to make parenting choices together to suit
our needs and the needs of our child and has been great. However, like
you, I have avoided many of the ‘support’ groups due to the self
depreciating nature of it all – as a confident and education woman I did
not buy into a lot of the self criticism or talk on the lack of choice in
activities and support. I am now currently fighting a tide of ‘Oh, you
must be SO devastated/disappointed/upset to be going back to work’, when in
reality I’m not, and I say I’m not – I’m an educated woman with a good job
and great colleagues and I enjoy it all – this seems difficult for many
people to accept, but it is the truth. I enjoy my family and love my
child, but have not lost my head, brain and sense of self worth since
becoming a mother! Thank you for such a refreshing article and confirming
what I had supsected all along – that I am not the only feminist in the
village!
Time to end parental leave discrimination, by Jennifer Gray
From Ruth
of course parental leave should be givena nd the needs of fathers should
be considered more. However, it is disingenous to compare maternity or
parental leave with sick leave.
Small business owners like myself routinely ask possible employees about
their past sickness record and take this into account when considering
whether to employ someone. Many also limit paid sick leave to one month or
even less. So employers do take actions to minimise the negative effects of
an employee being off ill.
In many ways though it is easier to fill a vacant post if staff have taken
substantial maternity or paternity leave of 1 year, rather than trying to
fill a position for 3 or 6 months.
Glamour models made me sick, by Hannah Whittaker
From Libby
I totally understand how you felt about the models cause I was exactly the
same. I was always trying to look like that “perfect” women and I never
could which made me so depressed and made me self harm, which made my
family and friends worry about me so much.
Even though everyone now knows about airbrushing, you don’t think about
models like that, you just want to be like that. When I think back to how I
was I would never want anyone to feel like what I felt like and because I
have a younger sister I always make sure she knows that those women aren’t
real and she doesn’t need to aspire to look like them. I’m now a healthy
size 12 and happy with how I am.
Of corset matters, by Laurie Penny
From SashaGarwood
For me, at least, corset-wearing is an ultimately successful attempt to
manipulate the male gaze to which i feel i am, as a young and relatively
normative female, subject to at all times. I’m sufficiently pessimistic to
perceive the attention I get due to my gender and self-presentation as
inevitable; I recognise that this may be defeatist and imay not be proud of
it, but it is true. To consciously and obviously shape myself, therefore,
into a physical ideal essentially unattainable by normal circumstances
eables me to wrestle back my own subjectivity, because i feel, however
erroneously, that when iam that shape i am beyond criticism. People will
not look at me and find my body wanting in all the ways i feel it to be
suchdespitemy best efforts; they will (and are) instead struck by its
supposed ‘perfection’. Given that I haveverystrict boundaries concerning who
touches me and in what circumstances, i find the consequent manipulation it
enables empowering andreassuring.
Like I say, i’m not proud of it. But it’s true.
‘Who… me? I’m just a housewife’, by Samantha Jay
From Monica Gambino
I totally agree with the author of this article. I am as well a woman who
believed in feminism, who went to college, got a master degree and thought
of making a nice carriere. Then i married a foreign man, a Dutch, because
of his job we have to live in The Netherlands and I can not find a job
after two years hard trying. I have a four year old son and by the moment
“just a housewife”. It is quite frustrating, because all what I do at home
is priceless, literally: It doesnt have a price. In todays life peoples
works are valuable according to how much money they produce. I work hard at
home, but I can not help but too feel as a charge on my husbands
shoulders…
He’s Just Not That Into You, a review by Holly Combe
From julie Law
I agree with Holly re”He is just not into you” If you are in your 40’s and
you are still playing these games, well, you should so be not into him or
HER. Games,games,games, what happened to manners,kindness, and honesty? Is
it so hard to just say ” I like you” It makes me livid. Well, I just got
dumped and I resent “he is not into me”, there was nothing wrong with
me……how about him? Why is it always the pursuit? Life is short, lets
move on. I think where I went wrong, I just did not see the real him, my
issue, but to blame women to back off?! to ask for honesty?! Nothing wrong
with that ever!
From eve
what a well articulated argument to ‘he’s just not that into you’. I
wholeheartedly agree with all of what you said!
‘Hasn’t anybody ever told you a handful is enough?’ by Samara Ginsberg
From Peaches
Thankyou.
Thanks for telling me everything I wish I could have put to words on my
own, thanks for giving me the words I will have to put to use in the
future.
My situation has been much the same as yours, except I am still 17.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not as skinny as you, (I have 32 inch
waist), and so I haven’t suffered rudeness to the same degree as you.
Probably part of the reason is actually because I had such low self esteem
in my early years of maturity that I gained weight, though I recently did
lose a lot (yay!). I can empathize with you, and I would tell you how sorry
I am for the harrassment you’ve been through, except that you don’t seem
like you’d like any pity (but if for some reason you do, you can have it
anyway =P). I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your article,
and to thank you, again, for showing me the attitude I am going to love
having now.
From stacia briggs
On the subject of being annoyed by other people’s reactions to your cup
size, I found this about how women are sometimes other women’s worst
enemy…
http://womaninblack71.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/think-big-breasts-are-fun-try-owning-a-pair-like-mine/”>Think big breasts are fun? Try owning a pair like mine
From Joanna
In response to Samara Ginsbertg’s article entitled ‘Hasn’t anybody ever
told you a handful is enough?’ may I just say how utterly disgusted I was
to read of your treatment – it made me so angry. Your teachers were
unbelievable, your peers deserved a good kicking, and I think you come
across as a very wise, intelligent person who deserves to be treated with
respect.
I read a wonderful quote – from a man, incidentally – which described
feminism as ‘nothing more than the radical idea that women are also people’
You are a person, but with our porn fixated society there will always be
problems for women with figures such as yours. I wish you all the best, and
I loved your article.
From James Sinclair
Get A LIFE!!!
Jess McCabe, editor of The F-Word replies
You’re only embarassing yourself, James Sinclair.
From david mustafa
It’s really weird and sorrowful to have such experience in a high school
or in the earlier years. The people who behaved to you are such mean or we
can say such immature, that they lost the mind of self integrity. They
invaded a particular personality with regardless responsibility. I am a
man, but I know how to respect motherly individuals. Having unusual body
figure is not someones fault, and if some one considers it as a fault than
indirectly he/she is accusing the God himself. We should always treat and
behave with everyone by the same eye as to get a positive response from
God. I am really sorry for what you’ve faced and I wish god bless you and
give peace in your mind. Let God Forgive us all.
From Lex
When I read more than a handful is enough I practically cried! I am in
nearly the exact same postion as Samara Ginsberg and reading what seemed
like my own words on the screen had me feeling like I had suddenly been
justified!
So often have I heard “how can you complain about your boobs/figure your
gorgeous” or “you get so much attention Lex! GOD!” from friends while I
have been fleeing attention from a male on a night out. Thank you so much
for this artical and for reassuring me that being me isn’t a crime!
From Tania
I just wanted to thank Samara for her article I thought that I had
suffered with 36jj’s and I am ashamed that what I think I suffer on a daily
basis is nothing compared to her please thank her for me.
From Bee
I am replying to Samara Grinsberg’s article “hasn’t anyone ever told you
that a handful is enough?”
I just wanted to say yes to every word she said. I face the same problem,
though I deserved less commentary and groping, maybe because I grew up in a
very catholic, prudish environment. However, I certainly recognize the
general tone of what she describes. It is about the fact that large sized
mammaries get in the way of everything. Conversation, respect and the fact
that you’re being treated as a person, not a cup size. A friend of mine
faces the same predicament, and she refuses to dress herself down in high
collars and scarves that cover up everything, and the sh*t she gets from
other woman is incredible: “it’s like she likes to flaunt us with what we
have not” and I have heard several guys say: “well, what do you want, I
can’t stop staring when they are so… obviously there!” What nobody seems
to realize is that they have a choice. Guys don’t HAVE to keep staring, and
women can keep their tongues.
Personally, I walk with a crooked spine for the rest of my life, because
the only solution I found was ducking my chest between my shoulders while
curling up my back, so they appeared smaller. People who happen to see me
in a bathing suit suddenly feel allowed to say “they never realized they
were so big” and “why do you never show them?”
I have tried to explain many of these women that I do not enjoy being the
center of attention, especially for something as unfair as genetics, I’d
much rather deserve it through intelligent conversation. I don’t like being
stared down the street, because I know that those that do it are not
assessing my worth as a potential friend or intelligent conversation
partner, but as a sexual object. Staring is impolite, we’re told. You
don’t stare at people, my mother told me. you could only stare at an
object. Apparently that is only true until you grow big breasts. From then
on, it’s fine.
Just as my well endowed friend, I often get the message: “they’re guys,
they have hormones, they can’t help the fact they look at it, I don’t see
why you feel bad.” And thus, I am the one who is faulty for feeling bad
about something that is presented as a fact of nature. In a way, this is
another impossible equation. Show them, and you’re “flaunting”, hide them
and you’re “anal retentive”.
From Pascal
just to comment on the big bulge for man.
Actually the equivalent, in term of actractiveness, of big breast for
women is for men to be tall.
Being tall doesn’t carry all the bad moment, I know, but you get free pass
with girls because they like tall guys, more or less the same way guys like
big boob.
I can tell you that being small is as if you don’t even exist in the eyes
of women, or that your not boyfriend stuff. Different but as much victim of
the instinct for partner seeking. We are just animal remember ?
very sorry for you that you had to suffer all that BTW.
From Jane B
I have so much sympathy for the author of this piece. As another shy
geeky teenager with large breasts, I suffered similar teasing – though not
the physical assaults, possibly because I’ve pretty much been overweight
since puberty – I have overeating/binge-eating disorder, which developed I
believe partly as an attempt to hide from the unwanted attention – ‘fatty’
and related insults were painful but at least I was largely left alone and
ignored, rather than constantly being picked on by girls and leered at by
boys. There are advantages to being fat in this society – it makes you
sexually neutral, it keeps you safe from the game-playing and intensity of
school ‘social life’ (and university to some extent), it means that the
insults you get are much less threatening – they’re about how ugly you are,
not about what random strangers want to do to you.
I was really happy to enter my 40s. Now I’m older, even if I was thin,
I’d be less ‘interesting’. Maybe now, with age to shield me, I’ll be able
to work out how to let go of the ‘fat girl’ body I hide behind…
From Aimee
Samara, this is a brilliant, horrible, thought provoking and well written
article. Throughout the whole thing I had to actually, almost physically
stop myself from thinking that you were a stuck up bitch, however ashamed
that makes me feel about myself. It’s almost as if we’re conditioned to
think that no woman should be happy with her body, and even though you have
every right to be, on a very small scale I still find myself resenting that
you are. That makes me so angry, because no one has the right to undermine
someone for being comfortable with themselves. So I commend you for being
brave enough to be happy with yourself, despite the horrible things you’ve
been through and despite this prevailing culture which dictates that you
shouldn’t.
I … can almost not bring myself to say that I identify with you. How
wrong is that? I too have… large breasts and you know.. an alright
figure. I am happy with myself. But I feel as though I shouldn’t be. I
never experienced the disgusting and horrendous sexual harrassment that you
did, mostly because I went to a positive and friendly all girls school, but
I have experienced the public leering and humiliation that comes with
having a couple of appendages that make you appear accessable to men. It
makes me sick. It’s almost as if people feel that because you are built in
a way that appeals to men, you must have been designed for them and are
therefore fair game for any kind of treatment people wish to exact upon
you.
If I may return to this issue of not being ‘allowed’ to be happy with
youself. When I said i was happy with myself… I am, but I find it
uncomfortable to say so. I find it uncomfortable to say that I have a good
figure, that I am beautiful, that I think I am attractive. That I look at
pictures of myself and like what I see. I think everyone should feel like
this, but instead we are all taught to feel nothing but disgust at
ourselves. This doesn’t change. I work in a school and the girls there, who
are primary school age all think that they are ugly and somehow wrong. Even
the ones who are what we might consider attractive. I think we need to
begin to stop looking at the so called perfect beauty. I know it sounds
cliche but I think everyone is beautiful. Our perception of beauty is so
narrow and has become so whittled down to a few, stupid things that so many
people feel that they are not beautiful. Something needs to change, because
your whole aritcle made me feel so disgusted with the way women are
treated. I hope the male teacher you mentioned is not still a practising
teacher. Other wise I think you need to let him knwo what a stupid prick he
is.
From Carrie
I would like to thank Samara for writing this article as I have never
heard my own experience articulated in any magazine or newspaper until now.
I have F cup breasts (and a post graduate degree in Philosophy) and I
really identified with this article. People notice my breasts first and my
mind last. I would like to point out that it does get easier as you get
older. I’m now 32 and while my boobs are nowhere near my ankles, thank you
very much, men do not shout filth in the street at me as much any more
(maybe they are more likely to hrass a youner woman or girl wjho is less
confident and wont argue back?).
The envy of other women etc is more complicated. While my own sisters
constant bitter references to my breasts hurt & confused me especially as a
teenager, I would say that men leering have been worse by far.
I would also like to say that some men can see beyond the breasts and
appreciate a woman for her wit and intelligence. My top tip would be to do
what I did – meet your husband online. By he time he meets you and sees
your cleavage he will already have fallen for “the real you”.
Choice and disability, by Victoria Al-Sharqi
From Daniel
Just wanted to say I thought that Victoria’s artical on disability and
abortion was one of the best I have read. Kudos to the fword for putting
it up as well, as from reading this blog it stikes me that this article
argues against the the stance of the majority of the fwords contributors on
the subject of abortion.
From Irina
Choice and disability: the author argues from the point of how abortion of
disabled foetuses makes her, a as a disabled person, feel, and how society
doesn’t value her.
I think a more productive (and not destructive) way would be not to force
unwilling women to bear disabled children but to campaign with many
disabled and abled men and women to improve life for ALREADY LIVING
disabled. While leaving legislation on selective abortion alone, where it
should be.
There must be a way of improving one set of people’s real lives without
causing misery and pain to, and violating others’ (because, yes, forcing
somebody to keep unwanted pregnancy and going through birth IS a
violation). Alex Kemp is right – you cannot advance somebody’s rights at
the expence of other’s rights. And by “rights” I mean rights for the
living. I wish grown-up people stop comparing themselves to foetuses, it
doesn’t do any credit to their perceived sense of self-worth!
(Besides forcing people to be parents when they don’t want to might result
in the opposite of what Victoria dreams about – child abuse. )
But she seems to be keen on gaining at the expence of other’s ruined lives
– because yes, being forced to become a mother is a life ruined, doesn’t
matter with abled or disabled child. And while already living disabled
people directly don’t suffer from someone somewhere aborting a disabled
foetus, those women (who, unlike foetuses, are aware of what’s going on
with their life) who will be forced into motherhood against their will –
if we have the legislation Victoria wants us to have – will feel the pain
every day of their lives DIRECTLY. A tiny difference, eh?
and the last one: pro-lifers don’t love disabled or care about their
rights. it is women making desicions about their bodies and lives they
hate, and will do anyhting it takes to curb it, disability being only a
minor card in their play.
Victoria Al-Sharqi, author of the article, replies
Thank you for your response to my article on The F-word. There is one paragraph in particular that stood out for me:
And while already living disabled people directly don’t suffer from someone somewhere aborting a disabled foetus, those women (who, unlike foetuses, are aware of what’s going on with their life) who will be forced into motherhood against their will – if we have the legislation Victoria wants us to have – will feel the pain every day of their lives DIRECTLY. A tiny difference, eh?”
Already living disabled people do suffer from ‘someone somewhere’ aborting a disabled foetus, as whenever such a termination takes place a particular set of harmful and negative ideas about disability is reinforced. The purpose of my article was not to compare myself to a foetus, or to argue that the rights of a foetus ought to take precedence over the rights of an adult woman, but to highlight the ways in which selective abortion affects disabled people. And it affects us in some very tangible ways. Current attitudes towards disability have led to a preoccupation with cures and prenatal testing, rather than a willingness to accept disabled people as we are and to provide support that respects our dignity and enhances our independence. When people look at your life, decide that certain aspects of it are miserable (usually without consulting you), and use these things as reasons for selective abortion, they are saying that your life isn’t worth living as it is, and that your existence is all about making the best of a bad job. Disabled people come up against this attitude in all areas of life: in education, in employment, in medical care, in relationships. The existence of selective abortion is not the sole cause of this attitude, but it is a contributor, and it is incompatible with disability rights.
“I wish grown-up people stop comparing themselves to foetuses, it doesn’t do any credit to their perceived sense of self-worth!”
As I have pointed out, I’m not the one making the comparison. It is grown people who look at the ultrasound scan, then look at me (or rather, dissect my symptoms – I don’t think they actually look at me as a person at all) and say: “This is what could happen if this pregnancy is carried to term.” I am a reason for selective abortion. Whenever this topic is raised in the press, I inevitably come across highly emotive descriptions of my symptoms and difficulties, calculated to evoke pity and/or revulsion in the reader. The supposedly private choice to have a termination on grounds of disability isn’t private at all, not when intimate aspects of disabled people’s lives are taken without our consent and reinterpreted as scenes from a tragedy.
The worrying thing is that people are so used to seeing selective abortion as a private choice that affects nobody but the woman in question that they can’t seem to comprehend the wider ramifications that I tried to outline in my article. Perhaps this is because people don’t feel those ramifications if they are cushioned by able-bodied privilege, as I can’t see any other explanation for the belief that the existence of selective abortion has no bearing on the lives of disabled people whatsoever.
I don’t believe that anybody should be forced into motherhood. But I don’t believe that disabled people should be written off as tragedies and used as illustrative material to support a stranger’s ‘private choice’ either, not when such choices contribute to the disabling barriers that they face in society every day. This is a dilemma that I have grappled with for years, and there are no easy answers. I don’t claim to offer instant solutions. I do, however, acknowledge that discussion and debate on this topic is necessary and long overdue – although I doubt that meaningful discussion will be able to take place until people realise that the arguments against selective abortion amount to much more than ‘woman versus foetus’.
From Isabel
I have to say, having become the mother of a child with a disability, that
I agree with Val’s article. I can no longer personally claim to be
pro-choice when it comes to selective abortion on the basis of impairment,
and in fact had a stand-up row with a consultant after being told my son
might also have Downs Syndrome (my response being ‘so?’). The selective
abortion of DS foetuses is particularly distressing to me.
From Cara
Victoria, you make some good points in your article, but spoil it with
your anti-choice rhetoric.
I believe in choice. It doesn’t matter whether I personally agree with any
given woman’s choice to have an abortion; I don’t have to have one if I
don’t want, that’s why it’s called choice. (Your phrase ‘pro-abortion’
thrown in betrays your anti-choice stance, by the way; no-one is
pro-abortion, just that pro-choice people believe it a better option than
women dying through backstreet abortions and unwanted kids being abused).
Furthermore, the ‘how do you think people with Down’s syndrome feel?’
argument is simply emotional manipulation – including of people who may
not have the mental capacity to understand the issues. 90% of KNOWN
foetuses with Down’s are aborted…ignoring those women who chose not to
have the tests, yes, nice manipulation of the statistics there.
I am all for the rights of disabled people and yes, I agree that society
should adapt to them; I am all for people with disabilities fulfilling
their potential.
That is NOT incompatible with being pro-choice.
Again, I repeat: choice. No-one is asking women to have abortions when
they don’t want to, or even to have pre-natal tests if they don’t want.
Some women genuinely don’t care if their child will be disabled: good for
them, great. The option must be there, however.
What I object to is your proposal for modifying or removing (you don’t
specify) the disability grounds for abortion. There is a reason that there
is no time limit for severe disability, and that is that tests for many
disabilities can’t be done before 20 weeks or more, so it is impossible to
get the results and make a decision within the 24-week limit.
I cannot support forcing any woman to undergo a pregnancy and birth she
does not want. I cannot support forcing any woman to bring up a child she
does not want.
You blithely dismiss Marin’s and others’ decision to have terminations as
being lazy and selfish, not caring how difficult that decision is.
You pontificate on the word ‘cope’ – it is perfectly legitimate for a
woman to decide she cannot cope with a disabled child, when she could with
an able-bodied one
You dismiss women who choose not to carry on with pregnancies when the
baby would be disabled as silly, ignorant, prejudiced; assume they either
don’t know enough about the disability in question to judge, or are simply
selfish. You sound just like most anti-choicers, claiming that women just
can’t be trusted with decisions about their own bodies, with our fluffy
lady brains; we’ll only regret it later. Most decisions to have an abortion
are well considered, difficult and not in fact regretted. The point is
though that if we are rational adults, we must be entrusted to make
decisions, no matter how difficult, even if they turn out to be wrong.
Otherwise women are not treated as fully human.
Have you actually considered how grindingly difficult life can be with a
severely disabled child? I mean severely disabled. If the law is being
misused, and I don’t agree with terminations for such minor and fixable
problems as cleft palate, that is one issue. It doesn’t mean the law sould
be changed, just that it should be applied properly. I am talking about
children who will never speak or respond in any way, never walk, never even
sit up; who smear faeces around the walls, sleep for 2 hours max at a time,
rampage around the house at 3am, attack family members. That’s the reality.
And WOMEN bear the brunt of it, women are expected to be noble, selfless
carers, sacrificing their lives to the child, changing the nappies of their
offspring of 20, 25, 30, 40 years old…never having that offspring so much
as look them in the eye.
I do know not all disabilities are like that, but you seem to object to
‘labels’ so I can only assume that you object to terminations for even the
most profound disabilities. Even when the infant may only live days or
weeks, and that short time will be full of pain and misery.
The thing is, yes, I know some people have been very dismissive of
disabled people or not bothered to adapt to make their lives easier. I know
the medical profession can be arrogant, priveleged, label and dismiss,
treat people with disabilities as less than people.
None of this, I am afraid, means that disabilities are great, or do not
exist. Disability by definition means impairment in day to day functioning.
I mean, if I fall and break my leg going home tonight, I may as well not go
to hospital and get it set, because who cares about the pain and lack of
mobility…it’s all social, isn’t it? Damn doctors, labelling me!
How you can link to Cripchick’s blog about not owning her own body…as
I’ve acknowledged above, the result of mistreatment by the medical
profession means many people with disabilities feel like that…many women
without, in fact…yet aren’t you in telling women not to have
terminations, taking away their ownership of their bodies?
You sound like anti-choicers whining ‘but Mozart/ Einstein/ whoever
wouldn’t exist if his mother had had an abortion!’ Well, no, he wouldn’t.
Someone else would do the great things he did, make discoveries, write
music; or close enough; or maybe not, but the world would go on turning.
The thing is that ghosts do not make an argument. Hypothetical babies with
disabilities who will not be born if women have terminations do not exist
and do not have rights. If you think every potential baby should be born
then you are reduced to the absurdity of the Monty Python ‘no sperm should
be wasted’ sketch.
Being pro-choice is NOT saying disabled people are inferior, of less value
and should not exist. Even if there was some conspiracy to make sure
disabled people were wiped out, how could it possibly work? People born
able-bodied become disabled through accident or illness; there are no
prenatal tests for many disabilities, and some women don’t want such tests.
Of course, *once they exist* disabled people must be valued and helped to
contribute to society. Isn’t the ‘disabled people add so much to the
world!’ just another form of the patronising ‘brave heroes, saints,
battling on’ meme you describe in your article? As you seem to say, people
with disabilities are no better or worse than people without, just people,
doing the best they can…instead of infantilising them as angels, so
people can feel good about themselves, why not treat people with
disabilities as adults big enough to understand that actually, life for a
person without disability is on average less difficult and painful than
with one?
Like all anti-choicers, you seem to demand that these babies are born
without calling for measures that will make life easier for their mothers.
Carers, as I’m sure you know, get pathetically low benefits and little
respite provided by the state; if more support was available, more women
might feel able to bring up a severely disabled child.
You are not invisible; rather than making anti-choice pronouncements, why
not get out there and educate the general public on your condition – then
maybe expectant mothers won’t be so scared when they learn their child will
have it?
You simply haven’t considered the women – the mothers of disabled babies –
who you ask to take on so much. I find this odd coming from a
self-described feminist.
Victoria Al-Sharqi, author of the article, replies
While I was genuinely interested to read your e-mail about my article (its purpose, after all, was to promote debate), I think that you have missed the point of most of what I was trying to say, and that your feedback addresses the article that you expected to read rather than the one I actually wrote. For example, you say that my use of the term pro-abortion reveals ‘my anti-choice stance’. But that phrase doesn’t appear in my article anywhere, and for good reason – like you, I don’t believe that anybody is pro-abortion. I have written about ‘proponents of selective abortion’, yes, because there are people (Minette Marrin amongst them) who believe that women have a moral and social duty to abort if the foetus has impairments. That is a separate issue.
You write that I assume that women who abort on grounds of disability are being ‘silly’ and ‘selfish’. I think no such thing, and have never written anything to that effect. I do think that they are prejudiced, but this is not intended as a personal slight on their decision-making capabilities. It is an indictment of the prevailing social attitudes towards disability. Prejudicial notions and stereotypes about disability are ingrained in society’s fabric, and ingrained so deeply that most people do not even realise they exist unless they have to bear the brunt of them. And that is what my article is about: how damaging and often dehumanising attitudes lead to selective abortion, and how the existence of selective abortion reinforces the negative ways in which disabled people are perceived and treated within society.
I wrote it as a disabled woman who feels those effects. You seem to have missed the part of my article where I state that I am classed as severely disabled, and you then go on to employ one of the silencing techniques that I condemn in my article: “Have you actually considered how grindingly difficult life can be with a severely disabled child? I mean severely disabled.” You are implying that my own disabilities are far too mild for me to have any understanding of such a life, thereby disqualifying me from writing about the issue. Then you go on to define what severe disability really is. (It takes a non-disabled person to be able to define it, of course.)
“I am talking about children who will never speak or respond in any way, never walk, never even sit up; who smear faeces around the walls, sleep for 2 hours max at a time, rampage around the house at 3am, attack family members. That’s the reality.”
According to my assessment reports I have the mental age of a seven-year-old. My performance IQ is 54. I poo myself on a regular basis. Until mid-adolescence, I did smear my faeces. I sleep as and when I can, which is rarely. I can’t be left unsupervised, partly because I’m prone to outbursts of the sort you describe. (Incidentally, such ‘attacks’ are usually my efforts to communicate extreme pain and distress when I have no way of articulating it orally and am unable to control my body. And along with a lot of people with my cognitive impairments, I find many seemingly everyday things acutely painful and disturbing, which is why outbursts are frequent.) My arms are covered in scars from my biting compulsion. I am a part of the reality.
I’m not saying that “disabilities are great, or do not exist”. I’m saying that I would like people to stop hijacking my everyday reality and using it as a justification for selective abortion, when the mere existence of selective abortion means that people are encouraged to see those of us with disabilities as objects of pity or tragedies who would be better off if we weren’t around – with some unfortunate consequences. This is seen most clearly when it comes to service provision.
You then go on to say, “You seem to object to ‘labels’ so I can only assume that you object to terminations for even the most profound disabilities.” Actually, I don’t object to diagnostic labels. They can be very helpful. I do object to the way that labels are distorted and misapplied. There are no clear boundaries between what constitutes ‘mild’, ‘moderate’, or ‘severe’ disability, as so much depends on the situation – and on the eye of the beholder. Regarding situation, I don’t consider myself to be severely disabled when I’m writing, thanks to the assistive technology that allows me to express myself. Going to the supermarket or using a public toilet is another question, as neither of those places are properly accessible to me and using them independently would require skills that I don’t possess. However, there are adaptations that could be put in place to make these places more accessible and significantly reduce the difficulties that I experience. That is what I mean when I talk about the level of disability being an interaction between the impairment and the situation.
Regarding other people’s perceptions, please look back to your own definition of what it means to be severely disabled. Others would disagree with you and state that your definition is too strict, that they themselves would terminate a pregnancy if the foetus were shown to have cleft palate or another impairment that you consider ‘minor’. I have friends who have tried to compliment me by saying that when they first met me they were unnerved, but now they “don’t consider me to be seriously disabled at all”. What they mean is that the sight of me made them uncomfortable at first, but that they’re desensitised now – so desensitised that they have changed their personal definitions of serious disability. Yet the nature of my impairment hasn’t changed at all.
This is the kind of labelling that I condemn so roundly in my article. It stems from the degree of fear that people experience when they think about a particular condition. It exists for other people’s convenience, as is evidenced by the way a doctor trying to have a child removed from its parents’ care might emphasise the severity of the child’s disability while the funding bodies that are meant to be providing monetary support will be keen to bracket the child as ‘moderately’ or even ‘mildly’ disabled. The arguments for selective abortion hinge on the judgements that strangers make about disabled lives, the assumptions that they carry about our labels, and the definitions that they impose on us. This is dehumanising. The fact that I acknowledge this and refuse to allow my everyday experiences to be co-opted and turned into a story of misery and despair does not make me anti-choice.
“I mean, if I fall and break my leg going home tonight, I may as well not go to hospital and get it set, because who cares about the pain and lack of mobility…it’s all social, isn’t it? Damn doctors, labelling me!”
This is a complete misrepresentation of the social model of disability. No disability rights advocate has ever claimed that disabled people should reject medical treatment or support. However, we do ask that the treatment and support that we receive be based on the needs that we actually have, and not the needs that other people perceive us to have. When I was assigned a mental age of seven, I was locked into limbo. The professionals involved in my care decided that I couldn’t progress beyond this point, and that the best option would be for me to move into a residential home. That is not the kind of help I needed, but the kind of help that they decided that I ought to have – based on a set of tests that aren’t reflective of how I think or what I think, but on how closely my thought processes tesselate with those of a ‘typical’ person. The equivalent would be your broken-legged individual being sent to the operating theatre to have the offending limb amputated instead of to the X-ray department for an X-ray and some plaster of Paris.
I work in a college for people with learning disabilities, primarily Down’s Syndrome, which is why I find your comments regarding manipulation and mental capacity particularly disturbing. The argument that a certain group of people ‘lacks the mental capacity’ to think something or feel something is an argument that has been used to justify some horrific events in the past. Anya Souza is an activist with Down’s Syndrome who has spoken out against prenatal testing on numerous occasions. Her views have been dismissed again and again, for no other reason that she can speak – and is therefore not qualified to talk. The fact that she talks at all is manipulative and disrespectful towards those people with Down’s Syndrome who can’t talk. She doesn’t represent their interests. Other disabled rights activists don’t represent their interests. Only non-disabled professionals and carers, together with the odd journalist and politican, are truly qualified to speak about Down’s Syndrome without being ‘manipulative’. I see that you defend Minette Marrin, who writes so emotively about the devastation that ‘damaged’ children inflict on their imprisoned families and who accuses women who deliberately give birth to children with Down’s of placing a burden on society. Presumably she isn’t being manipulative at all.
It is not manipulative to ask that people be treated with respect. It is not manipulative to ask that disabled people be included in conversations that up till now have been held about us, without us. It is not manipulative to ask that people try and acclimatise themselves to the notion that nonverbal individuals – yes, even those with learning disabilities – might have other ways of communicating, and that excluding them from discussion by either saying that they lack the capacity to participate or that they aren’t ‘representative’ of other people with their disabilities is just an excuse, and a prime example of able-bodied privilege to boot. Because it’s always able-bodied, neurotypical people who decide who is representative and who is capable.
“And WOMEN bear the brunt of it, women are expected to be noble, selfless carers, sacrificing their lives to the child, changing the nappies of their offspring of 20, 25, 30, 40 years old…never having that offspring so much as look them in the eye.”
Disability rights advocates don’t expect nobility or selflessness of anyone. As I wrote in my article, the idea that being disabled or caring for a disabled person requires heroism or sainthood is just another damaging myth, again the product of people’s fear. Your graphic snapshot of a woman having to change her 40-year-old’s nappy is a particularly common image that is brought out in the debate on selective abortion. Now, I wear nappies, along with millions of other adults. They are tools in the same way that sanitary pads are tools. There is nothing shameful about needing them. They don’t reduce you to perpetual babyhood. All they mean is that you have bowel problems or difficulties with recognising certain neurological signals.
And if people could come to accept this, and start providing practical help to disabled people and their parents instead of shuffling uncomfortably and looking the other way, the women you speak of might not be in such a difficult position. I recognise the truth of what you say in the paragraph above, but I don’t see disability as the cause of it. When I think of the cause, I think of the strangers who have stopped my mum in the street to congratulate her on her bravery in horrified tones. (It did not stop with strangers – the family’s thinly disguised uncertainty and revulsion left my parents on an island.) I think of the Minette Marrins of this world, who reinforce the notion that disability is such a dreadful fate that anyone with any sense should run away. I think of the politicans who state sorrowfully that severely disabled children are very expensive to provide for and that their parents are financially unable to cope. (The government can afford to replace Trident, but it can’t afford decent respite centres and an increase on Carer’s Allowance? Does the problem lie with severe disability or with mistaken priorities?)
If there weren’t such a stigma surrounding disability, and if people actually believed that respite, special education and assistive technology were more deserving of funds than the development of prenatal tests, the distressing situations that you outline might never arise. Unfortunately, I don’t see how the continued promotion of selective abortion as the de facto option is going to do anything to reduce that stigma, or to convince general public and government that disabled lives are worth investing in.
“You sound like anti-choicers whining ‘but Mozart/ Einstein/ whoever wouldn’t exist if his mother had had an abortion!’ Well, no, he wouldn’t. Someone else would do the great things he did, make discoveries, write music; or close enough; or maybe not, but the world would go on turning. The thing is that ghosts do not make an argument. Hypothetical babies with disabilities who will not be born if women have terminations do not exist and do not have rights.”
I’ve never made the Einstein argument, so I’m not going to reply to it. In fact, when I write about disability I deliberately keep away from geniuses – I write about ordinary disabled types, who, like their ordinary non-disabled counteparts, are never going to be the next big thing in physics or compose a brilliant concerto. Once again you’re rebutting the points that you think I’ve made rather than the ones that I have actually raised. And once again, my article isn’t about the rights of the foetus. It is about the tangible impact that selective abortion has on the lives of disabled people who are already on the planet. And as this article is about disabled people, I did not write much about the women involved. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t considered them; it means that the arguments in favour of selective abortion have been heard thousands of times before, whereas the voices of disabled people have not. Your objections remind me of the men who start squawking about the disadvantages and difficulties that men face and accusing feminists of being sexist if somebody has the temerity to devote a whole article to women’s issues.
The learning disability charity Mencap has been running a campaign called ‘Death by Indifference’, in which it highlights the stories of people with learning disabilities who have died in hospital as a result of deliberate medical neglect. One such story is that of nine-year-old Daisy, who was admitted with a tooth infection. She developed septaecemia and died. Later her parents discovered that the doctors had known that Daisy was dying. They had deprived her of water for hours at a stretch, even though dehydration is fatal in cases of septaecemia. And when her parents asked why this had been permitted to happen, the response was that the hospital had “misjudged Daisy’s quality of life”.
In other words, they had taken the unilateral decision that Daisy would be better off dead. They allowed a simple tooth infection to become the cause of her death. One doctor, comforting Daisy’s grieving mother, said, “It’s almost like losing a child, isn’t it?” Because of course Daisy was not really a child. She was a justification for selective abortion. When people talk about the misery experienced by non-speaking learning disabled children, they describe Daisy’s symptoms. The chilling question is this: if doctors present termination as an option in the case a foetus that has the potential to grow into another Daisy, where is the guarantee that an actual Daisy will be treated with respect when she is admitted to hospital for her tooth complaint? There is no such guarantee.
Daisy’s death was the result of the ‘quality of life’ mentality that fuels selective abortion. That mentality affects disabled people in numerous other ways, but this is one of the worst manifestations of it that I have ever come across. I wrote my article with people like Daisy in mind, people who have no guarantee that they will be seen as fully human. (I am one of them; somebody once asked me I felt upset at not being ‘whole’… My denial was taken as a sign that I am too disabled to know that I am disabled.)
You say that once disabled people are born, they should receive all the support and assistance that they need. Unfortunately, so long as selective abortion and the way of thinking that underpins it exist, I don’t think that this will be possible.
You state that I am not invisible, yet you have ignored or distorted most of what I wrote originally – including the fact that I am disabled, which you leave until the last line of your e-mail. Then you suggest that instead of writing about selective abortion, I put my supposed visibility to good use and start educating prospective parents about my conditions. Apparently I am only visible in certain lights, such as when I am prepared to be a self-narrating zoo exhibit for the benefit of certain other women. If I want to write about something different, such as selective abortion and the impact that it has on disabled people, I’m no longer worthy of being listened to. I am ‘anti-choice’.. I am visible only so long as I’m saying what people would like to hear, and sticking to the topics that are acceptable to you.
Unfortunately, at the moment I would rather speak about what is unacceptable to me.
From Mobot
This article unsettled me, and I’m glad it did – thanks. I’m the daughter
of a disabled woman who chose to have me despite strong recommendations to
terminate the pregnancy… I work with children and young people with
disabilities, most of whom are *severely* or *seriously* disabled and whose
company and opinions I value. I am also pretty fiercely pro-choice. I
completely agree that the people who experience a situation first hand are
the experts, and I am saddened at society’s apparent dismissal of the views
of people with disabilities. However, I’m inclined to believe that a wider
sea-change is needed in terms of attitudes towards disability (education
presumably being the most promising tool with which to bring this about),
and not an attack on reproductive rights. In the same way that my mother’s
right as a disabled woman to choose to be a mother was fundamental to her,
all women’s right to choose what she does with her body is equally so.
Surely we can’t pick and choose when it’s ok to allow women freedom of
choice. I think the key is informed choice – if women were educated in a
way that resulted in less panic about bringing up disabled children,
wouldn’t we be likely to see less selective abortions on the basis of fear
of disability? Ultimately I can’t say that I’m completely comfortable with
these particular terminations per se, but I am equally if not more
uncomfortable with the concept of placing any further restrictions on what
women, disabled and otherwise, do with their bodies. I appreciate the fact
that a negative view of disability feeds into many abortions on the basis
of *severe abnormality*. But when we’re talking about potential and not
actual people (i.e. foetuses) it’s the emotive language and moralising that
upsets me most. Clearly, that’s what it’s designed to do but ultimately
it’s not the act of abortion that’s the problem unless you believe foetuses
to be *human* or *viable*. It’s the patronising and often hypocritical
messages society sends out about disability that’s the issue as far as I
can see. At the end of the day I do believe that phobic attitudes towards
different groups are linked, so we need to find a way of reconciling
conflicts of interest. Surely it’s possible to be feminist/pro-choice and
pro-disability (if that’s the appropriate term) at the same time?
Now That’s What I Call Misogyny! by Molly Lavender
From Anonymous Harridan
I agree with Molly Lavender on most things in her article “Now, that’s
what I call misogyny!” but i think her reading Leona’s “Bleeding love” song
is too far reaching. I don’t think it is about a woman being hurt
physically or emotionally by a man. All this bleeding is an allegory to
becoming vulnerable when you are in love, and, as classic fiction has us
believe, it is not only down to women to be so – men are also made
vulnerable by love, think “The end of the affair” by Greene or “Women in
Love’ by LAwrence.
So no need to rush with bandage to Leona or call domestic violence unit
yet. But Molly is right that love is portrayed in mass culture as a fucking
masochistic disaster, as if it is not true if it doesn’t hurt. I hate this
bullshit, and hate it passionately as only someone who is happy in love
can, as it is a blasphemy against love. I, even being a very romantic
person, always say that love in relationship is like a pair of shoes – if
it hurts, then it is not right, ditch such relationship. Hurting is an
indication that it is definitely not love.
as to not enough women playing rock – true, i hate it too and feel starved
by it, and Pink, Courtney Love and GArbage (plus Le Tigre and occasionally
The Slits) are my lean female-rock diet. Courtney Love once lamented “why
not many women pick up guitars and start screaming” and it’s so true as
rock is music of anger and discontent and women have more to be angry about
than men!
pop can be mild as baby soap in the question of misogyny in music, it
is rock that is the most offender here. Most horrid example is Jimi Hendrix
“Hey Joe” – despite its harrowing lyrics (“I … shot my old lady ,You
know, I’ve caught her messin’ around with another man”) it became a number
one hit! And in the song there is sympathy towards this Joe and wish that
he “runs away” and “be free”.
I was sick when i finally got to read the words. It put me off Hendrix to
soem extent. Now, imagine, some female singer happily belting away
something about how liberating it might be for that woman from the news to
chop off her cheating boyfriend’s cock? To hear that would be fun.
so. rock music can be such shit that you start loving Kylie even more and
in the new light.
From Molly O’Doherty
I enjoyed reading Molly Lavender’s article entitled “Now that’s what I
call misogyny!”. I thought it made some really good points. I can even see
personal examples. Last week I watched my dad and stepmother receive
christmas presents from my sister. My dad sneered at my stepmother’s choice
of the Abba: Gold album whilst he clutched his Joni Mitchell CD.
From Jay McCauley Bowstead
As a twenty six year old man with interests in fashion, design and other
areas of popular culture not stereotypically considered masculine, it was
easy for me to relate to Lavender’s article ‘Now That’s What I call
Misogyny’. Her analysis of the way in which magazines are subdivided in
shops may indeed seem frivolous at first glance, but (as the author
suggests) it is indicative of powerful gender normative forces in
contemporary culture. In the same way that retrograde assumptions around
“appropriate” interests and behaviours for women abound, boys and men are
in some ways even more limited by assumptions around masculinity in popular
culture. For example most parents would be much keener to send their
daughters to karate than their sons to ballet class, indeed our culture
increasingly seems to classify any interest in aesthetics as effeminate –
just look at the drab, unhappy, depressing clothes that little boys are
dressed in today, in contrast to the much brighter clothes that girls
habitually wear. To reinforce Lavender’s arguments, this subdivision of
magazines, music and even fiction in to masculine and feminine interests
exerts a pernicious effect across society on men and on women. While women
are taught to be passive, decorative and to defer their needs, men are
alienated from their emotions, have their interests narrowly prescribed and
are discouraged from being involved parents or compassionate partners. It
strikes me that not only is a renaissance of feminist thinking required in
our popular culture, but also a more developed critique of how inauthentic
models of masculinity are reproduced (and how they can be countered).
Molly Lavender, author of the article, replies
Thanks for writing in. I just had to reply to the point you make about hobbies for girls and boys. Yes, most parents would probably rather have a daughter who was into karate or football than a son who was into ballet or horseriding. It’s seen as somehow understandable for women to want to emulate men, but almost freakishly unnatural for men to want to emulate women. Tomboys are tolerated, even celebrated; ‘sissies’ are not. As long as we keep elevating the traditionally masculine, whilst sidelining the feminine, society will remain an inequal and, dare I say it, rather dull place to live.
From Megan
I agree with your article apart from two points:
1. Whilst not musically connected my boyfriends (and boyfriends of my
friends) have had to stand and wait whilst we ride our horses and this has
not detracted anything from our competitive spitits
2. also i thought i ought to mention that “bleeding love” was written and
performed by jesse mccartney before leona lewis – he is a young male and
did not intend this song to go to another artist (female or not) when he
wrote it. However i do agree that the music industry is sexist in both its
lyrics and its videos.
Confidential? by Karen James
From Molly O’Doherty
I experienced a similar problem a few years ago when I went to get
emergency contraception at a surgery. I wasn’t able to phone to make an
appointment so due to the layout of the surgery I had to explain my
situation to the receptionist with the whole waiting area in full earshot.
If I hadn’t been with a friend and less confident I would easily have been
too embarrassed and would have left without even trying to get emergency
contraception.
Karen James, author of the article, replies
Thank you also for sharing your own experience. Unfortunately, I do not think that the lack of privacy afforded to you and myself, is rare. I think that it is country wide. There really should be better ways for medical facilities to organise their space so that people who wish to discuss such issues can do so with confidentiality. Private reception rooms, perhaps?
I will give you another example I have found of lack of privacy. A couple of years ago, I had to go to my local STI clinic for checks. There are seperate waiting rooms for women and men… however, the women’s is upstairs and you have to walk through the men’s to get to it! Imagine how embarrasing that must be for some women. And also, I imagine, quite intimidating to have lots of men staring at you. Imagine if a woman had previously been raped and then had to walk through a room full of men before reaching the women’s waiting room!
As you can imagine, I mentioned this to the staff who looked quite surprised that I would have a problem with this. To date, I believe it has not been changed. So thank you very much for your response; I have heard many similar stories.
From Irina
Although the usual logic behind validity of complaints is that if at least
one person doesn’t like something/feel intimidated/unwelcome etc – and it
is enough reason to change behaviour/practice, here i really was thinking:
author should not feel so ashamed/humiliated about the incident.
I could see it from the nurse’s point of view – she is a practical
grown-up woman trying to help who thinks that it is normal to come for a
morning-after pill and there is no shame in it, someone with healthy
matter-of-factly attitude about it. Someone who doesn’t think that soem odd
old-fashioned sensitivities must not stand in the way of birth-control. Why
the hell did Rachael feel so embarassed? So what if others understood she
is here for a pill?! That’s not their business. If it was a centre for
emergency contraception/family planning clinic, then everybody in that room
was there for more or less similar reason as her in the first place, and
therefore are not to be embarassed by. If it was an ordinary surgery, how
on earth will those patients know she came for a pill?
Honestly, author displays too much of very silly shame for no reason. This
situation is, if anyhting, an occasion to tell anybody who mutters “oh,
she came for a mornign-after pill” – “So what? any problem with that?” in a
nonchalant or defiant way.
see it this way: if you are not embarassed to have sex, you shouldn’t be
embarassed to deal with occasional side-effect of it. The only people who
should be embarassed here are those who want to heap shame on you.
Karen James, author of the article, replies
You make some good points and there are some I would like to address. First, I know you were unsure about the type of facility I went to to get the morning-after pill. Well, it was a general NHS walk-in centre not a family planning one. So there were people there with a variety of physical ailments. It was a weekend so I couldn’t go to my usual GP.
Second, I have absolutely no guilt or shame about the sex I had. This was never really an issue of sex. It was an issue of privacy. Every woman has the right to collect the morning-after pill and enjoy confidentiality and privacy.
Third, the nurse you mentioned did not act in a confidential manner, hence why people in the waiting room worked out why I was there. The nurse in question has since apologised for this breach and is in totalk agreement with my issues.
Fourthly, yes, you are correct that I should not have felt guilty when people figured out (and commented rudely) what I was there for. But you try not feeling totally ashamed in front of 40 people staring at you!
I am ganerally an extremely confident women who loves sex and my sexuality, but I have feelings too. And those people should not have had a clue why I was at the walk-in centre. The fact that they were given this knowledge is a clear breach of NHS rules – and my privacy.
My reactions to what happened are NOT the issue (and I reacted in a very normal way to being humiliated). And to be perfectly frank, the fact that you focus on my reactions sounds more like victim-blaming. The issue was always the totally inappropraite way that the NHS – and wider society – judges women and sexuality.
Refusing to Be a Man, a review by Catherine Redfern
From Jose Sentmanat
This is an excellent review of an excellent book, one that
fundamentally changed my life when I first read it some years ago. For
what it’s worth, I am a man, and I have been referring to myself as a
feminist for years–it raises eyebrJust wanted to say thanks for such a great article, and I agree with your
analysis of BDSM protocol where consent and negotiation is concerned.ows now and again, but if challenged, I
simply reply that anyone who believes in gender equity and treating women
as human beings, and rejects differences based on sexual identity, is a
feminist.
In any case, thanks to Ms. Redfern for an excellent, thought-provoking
review.
Kink 101, by Kit Roskelly
From Clair Lewis
Just wanted to say thanks for such a great article, and I agree with your
analysis of BDSM protocol where consent and negotiation is concerned.
General comments
From Ana
Dear feminists,
I’m sorry to waste your time with this useless e-mail, its purpose is only
one: I want to thank you all for putting such a brilliant site online. My
name is Ana, I am 18 years old and I’m a fan of yours from Portugal (so
excuse me if my English is not perfect…). I was raised to believe that
feminist were nothing more than a bunch of grumpy women who hated men, and
worst of all, hated being women, so they fighted to be men. Thanks to you
(and other websites like this) I realized that actually feminist are women
who love themselves so much they aren’t letting men take advantage of them,
and what’s more, most of them are married/dating men. I came across your
website on a day I was particularly furious at this guy I know, who is the
embodiment of woman-hate, despite being married (to a woman of course). I
was very pleased to see that this website isn’t men-hating at all! Since I
have a boyfriend that respects me and that I love, and lots of male friends
that treat me decently, I sincerely dislike those websites. Please keep up
the good work, I’ll do my part and try to spread your men-friendly,
women-loving message!
Your avid-article-reader,
Ana
From Cathy Cox
I’d like to get in touch with 16-year-old Virginie in Costa Rica, and tell
her that neither Britain nor the U.S. have reached “enlightenment,” though
it may appear that way compared to Latin America. She needs to know that
SHE is a builder of the future, and the best advice I can give her is to
get the very best education she can, and try to help other girls in her
country do the same – find your talent and work at it. She should avoid
marriage and pregnancy at all costs, and not let it bother her when they
call her a lesbian. (Maybe she could respond that she has high standards,
which none of the boys she knows is able to meet.)
You GO, Virginie! Best of Luck!
From Margaret
The article on women and the hijab is wonderful, introspective and
thoughtful. Thank you for writing it and supporting it through your
website. I appreciate your efforts and wish that this site will continue
for a very long time.