Comments on this month’s features and reviews
Breaking the circle, by L
From Rachael
Thank you so much L, for putting most women’s everyday experiences of rape
and abuse into words. I have suffered the same as you througout my life –
and no one listens.
I even get the same tiresome denial from other women who have experienced
the same as me.
And that is the problem…sexual violence from men and boy’s is considered
right and normal – but it is not!!
And it is so nice to hear that you have realized this at such a young age
(if you don’t mind my saying). You can go on to be very strong – you
already are.
Just a small warning….you may get comments from others on this site who
are still in denial. I wrote on a blog recently about my rapes and I was
astonished by all the sexism in return. But this is just to let you know
that many people do understand and I wish you all the best in your healing
and your future.
From Jennifer Drew
Thank you very much for L for courageously writing publicly about your
experiences of male sexual violence committed against you. What you
describe is common and whilst what happened to me in the past was not
identical, I too was subjected to deliberate male sexual harassment whilst
a child then later as a teenager and subsequently as a young adult woman.
The central message I constantly received was that men and boys had the
right to sexually humilate and sexually assault me. For years I was
confused and did not understand why I was so angry and depressed.
It has taken me years to understand how and why so many men and boys
engage in male sexual violence against women. It has also taken me a very
long time to understand the complexities of how and why so many women
accept this and attempt to instil the passive message to girls and young
women that men and boys must never be held accountable for their actions.
I am an activist focusing on male sexual violence against women and
children. I always state that overwhelmingly it is known men and boys who
commit sexual violence against women and children not the ‘deviant
stranger.’ However myths concerning male sexual violence against women are
still very strong. But you are right to emphasise this fact. I have
attended a number of LFN Reclaim The Night Marches and the focus has always
been inclusive wherein we state on our leaflets that it is known men and
boys who are the ones who commit these crimes against women and children.
Fitting into the narrow defnition of what it supposedly means to be a
woman or man is impossible, but our male-dominated society is determined to
keep women in a ‘tiny box.’
Doubtless you might receive emails claiming your experiences were
‘isolated ones’ and that most men and boys are ‘good.’ The sad truth is
this is not the case. Male sexual violence against women and children is a
means of maintaining male power and domination over women and girls. Boys
learn this as they grow up and girls learn they are supposed to ‘swallow
their anger’ and ignore the routine and mundane ‘little rapes’ committed by
men and boys.
Healing from these ‘little rapes’ is not easy, because each woman/girl is
different. But it does happen – however we can never wipe completely from
our minds the effects of men’s and boys’ callous, cruel sexual violence.
That is the reality.
Aggression is often a coping strategy when a woman/girl is faced with men
and boys constantly taunting and sexually insulting her. So, too is
depression because women and girls are socialised into believing they alone
are responsible for men’s and boys’ sexual violence.
But we have to continue to speak out and hold those men and boys
accountable for their sexual violence committed against women and girls.
We also have to speak out about how masculinity and femininity is still
constructed. Masculinity teaches boys and men they have the innate right
of unlimited sexual access to women and girls, but fortunately many
feminist women and a good few pro-feminist men ‘get it it.’
Thank you again for this article – remember writing this article knowing
it will be read by both feminists and anti-feminists is a very courageous
act. All too often we limit ‘courage’ to physical activity – but many
times courage is about mental strength. Overcoming our fears and terrors
is something which cannot be accomplised easily – so take pride in what you
have written.
Raising boys? Help yourself to some gender stereotypes, a review by Clare Gould
From Amity
Thank you, Clare, for a great article. All this “What about the mEnz?!!1!”
stuff is quite tiresome, really. I’ve often seen this book in the shops and
thankfully never picked it up. As mother to a girl and a boy, I don’t feel
that I need to parent them differently, at least not enough to warrant a
separate manual. Thanks for the warning!
From Maddie
Brilliant, well-argued, well-researched and thoughtful piece that has
articulated loads of half-thoughts that I’ve been trying to flesh out for
ages! Thanks…
From katrina
“… in appropriating the language of gender equality and ‘respect’
for girls and women, he simultaneously uses the logic of sexism.”
And that about sums up Steve Biddulph’s modus operandi. I’m so sorry to
hear he’s now sucking UK in parents too, but I see that you are on to him.
From magic_at_mungos
Clare Gould wrote about the gender stereotypes in raising children. I\’m
glad to see that she seems to be doing what works for her family despite
the external pressures of gender sterotyping.
It just reminds me of when looking for congratulaions cards for a couple
who has just had their first child and there was only one that wasn\’t pink
or blue or tied into gender sterotypes and I thank my parents for making me
aware of this when looking for these kind of things. It\’s the same when
buying presents for my goddaughter. I refused to buy barbies or Bratz
merchandising but tried to look for colouring books or something I think
she would enjoy that was gender neutral and couldn\’t believe how difficult
it still was. Has the efforts done by feminist groups in the 70s and 80s
still made so little impact that we still buy into these gendered toys?
From Lisa
Steven Biddulph is a psychologist but his books are typical ‘science-lite’
aimed at the unscientific lay reader. His more academic work is published
in academic reports.
He is not a fan of traditional C19 Victorian culture in the slightest but
he is part of the C20 ‘natural’ parenting movement, which fits well with
Green/Earth-centered Feminism (popular in Scandanavia and Germany for
example) but does conflict with Capitalist UK/USA Feminism.
The obvious key point of conflict between these 2 schools of feminism is
the priority given to the slow, organic separation between mother and child
post-partum by the ‘natural’ Green Feminists versus the priority on instant
separation and return to full-time paid work outside the home in Capitalist
Feminism. In Germany for example feminists fought for 3 year maternity
leave with a right to a part-time job thereafter so that the mother and
child can delay weaning for up to 2 to 3 years and the mother can have
close 1-to-1 supervision over the child’s early development herself.
With respect to male-female dynamics Green Feminism celebrates and works
with the dualism on many different levels. Scandanavian men are especially
good examples for the points raised by Claire. They have no problem working
in Kindergartens for example but males and females interact with the
children in different ways and in fact this is why males are recruited to
work with the children.
From a European perspective UK/US Feminism is narrow, perscriptive, rigid,
obsessively materialistic and ill-informed. Both Germany and Scandanavia
have managed to create far more feminist societies depsite/because of (?)
their more ‘natural’ Green Feminism. Whereas the UK/US are more difficult
societies for women despite/because of (?) their insistence that ‘women and
men are the same’.
Acknowledging and respecting differences is in reality fairer than denying
they exist. It is not in any way saying one is ‘better’ than the other just
that they are different. Why is this a problem in the UK/US when it isn’t
elsewhere in the world ?
From heidi shelton
Awesome article! I also had a
daughter, then a son. They are grown now and I am so glad that they were
both raised with the same amount of love and attention. My son is kind to
women, sensitive, a musician, and a very well rounded person. He IS good at
math and science, but my daughter is better! Thanks for reminding us of the
things we have in common and not our differences.
From Jennifer Drew
There is innumerable evidence that girls and boys, men and women are not
from different planets but do in fact share similar characteristrics, but
then this is heresy because it is seen as threatening the supposedly
natural social order wherein being male = superiority and female =
inferiority.
Many boys are not ‘sporty,’ avidly interested in mechanical or
technological toys but instead have interests in so-called ‘feminised
areas.’ But these boys are stigmatised as being ‘effeminate’ by other boys
and men because they are not following the patriarchal ideal. Likewise
girls who do not display appropriate ‘feminine’ behaviour or interests are
called ‘tomboys.’ It is acceptable for a girl to be a so-called ‘tomboy’
until she reaches adolescence, then society pressurises her to conform to
patriarchal notions of ‘femininity.’ Boys too are pressurised to conform
but it is other boys and men who police boys behaviour.
We are currently living in a society which once again has reverted to the
myth ‘biology is destiny’ and woe betide anyone who challenges the supposed
natural seperate female and male spheres. Girls are all ‘passive, more
interested in forming relationships whereas boys are independent, curious
and keen to explore.’ Woe betide any woman who dares to challenge this
myth and especially mothers because once again it is women who are blamed
for supposedly causing the ‘male moral panic.’ Men are apparently in
danger of extinction or will lose their masculinity. Such panics occurred
at the end of the 19th century and it happened because women in vast
numbers were challenging male-centered notions of what it means to be a
woman or man. Every time women gain a smidgen of their rights, there is a
backlash and this is precisely what is happening now.
Steve Biddulph is a pseudo expert because he provides no concrete evidence
whatsoever that girls and boys are from different planets. He uses pseudo
science to reinforce his claims and because we as a society have assumed
‘biology is destiny’ it is extremely hard to show how this is not the case
but rather is due to socialisation. Women and men are far more similar
than dissimilar – fact not fiction.
From Scott
Your article on sexism and parenting is so very refreshing to read. I work
with kids every day and am studying to be a child psychologist here in the
US. I see both extremes that you mention. I see the parents who let their
child be open with their creativity and express the things that are true to
themselves. I also see (and a majority of the time) the parents that give
in to the gender stereotypes and mold their children to do the same. It’s
good to know that some other people feel the same. Thanks for your wise
words about challenging the status quo.
From Jay McCauley Bowstead
Clare is quite right in pointing out how bizarre and creepingly
reactionary attitudes to bringing up boys and girls are. As a boy brought
up by feminist parents in the 1980s my experiences may not be entirely
representative. I know that my parents were keen to shield me from
gender-normative attitudes at home. I soon became aware at school and from
friends that my behaviour, likes and dislikes were sometimes not thought
appropriate for a boy and of course this was confusing and sometimes
upsetting.
While I would have hoped to see significant breakdown in my lifetime of
repressive attitudes to masculinity and femininity being projected on to
children, in some ways I think things have got worse. Toys, books and
clothing for children seem almost always to focused either at boys or at
girls. I was shocked to read a friend’s daughter’s picture book which
featured a ballet party. The girls in this story came to the party dressed
as ballerinas the boys incongruously came as pirates – the author hadn’t
imagined boys could be ballet dancers apparently. Children’s cookbooks seem
always to have a mother and daughter on the front. Don’t even get me onto
war toys. It’s like their is some sort of fascist conspiracy to produce
totally dysfunctional male children – and then the Daily Mail wonders why
young men are so prone to violence.
From Karen
This bloke Biddulph
sounds a right pratt. I was a tomboy, had toy cars, a clockwork petrol
pump, garage etc and my younger brother was actually glad of me being a
tomboy because we bonded well and could play well together irrespective of
our genders. He is the only boy out of the 4 of us and the result of us
both playing together is that (ignoring the other issues of abuse we faced
together) we are in fact er, normal! I am fed up with men saying that
actually women want a “real” man which is as insulting to men as labelling
the less commercially attractive woman as “ugly”. I have a lovely fem-ally
partner, who is totally comfortable with his gender identity, that I
wouldn’t trade ever for a caveman, thank you. I am also fed up with going
around supermarkets and hearing parents telling their child that they dont
want such and such a toy because its meant for “the other side”. Mr
Biddulph, I dont raise a child myself, I could if I wanted or had to, but I
don’t. I raise a pet tortoise instead. Sorry to be so abnormal but that’s
me. So there! (big raspberry noise, exit stage left)
From Anna Greneker
Clare, all I can say in response to your ‘Raising Boys?’ gender article
is, “You go woman! And keep them coming”. You are right on target. I am a
single mom to my son. His father is nothing like the man he will turn out
to be-this is evident at age 7-and I am now glad that I am raising him
alone. He is kind and considerate. It has been just the two of us since he
was 2 and before that his father traveled Monday through Friday. I won’t
voice my opinion of my ex because I do not wish them to be viewed as coming
from a scorned and bitter woman. I am not. I will say that his father has
gender character beliefs embedded into his nature that I would never wish
my son to aquire. Ans many of them, too many. My child has a compassion for
others that suprises even me sometimes. He also loves to go to his
Papa’s(my step-father) and shoot guns and go boating and get his fill of
male bonding, but will help Nana with the cooking while they take the
occasional break from the outdoors to eat. As you see, they follow the old
stereotyping, but thanks to having the priveledge to raise this child on my
own-something I did not ask for and believed devestating at the time I was
told this was the new agenda for my life-he is turning out to be everything
a CHILD can be. I might ad that my Daddy’s own life was a good example for
me. He was raised in the “Man World”, but after raising 3 daughters after
my mother and he divorced, he was enlightened and a changed “Man”. He has
been both Mother and Father to me. He has been my PARENT and raised me as
his CHILD. I loved your article. Do you have any books published or might
where I go to enjoy more of your wisdom?
From Amy Clare
This is an excellent review and Clare Gould really hit the nail on the
head when she said: “Nature, it seemed, needed to be nurtured into
existence.” If ‘typical boy’ behaviours were so ‘natural’ then no nurturing
would be needed! Whatever you did as a parent, boys would still ‘be boys’.
Not to mention that Biddulph is suggesting fixing the problems of the
status quo by adhering to the gender norms of the status quo! So books like
Biddulph’s are fundamentally contradictory. They are written from a basis
of fear and have nothing to do with reality. Sadly, it is books like these
that get most of the media attention.
I’d love it if there was a parenting book (it would be more like a
pamphlet!) which just said, ‘let your child be themselves’.
From meg carter
great article, claire, thanks.
the points you make are so bleeding obvious but they are overlooked with
such persistence (my son was born 22 years ago and the same state of
affairs applied then!) that they continue to be invisible in public
debate.
I found your article via a link in crikey.com.au – have you done any
newspaper opinion pieces? if not, please do!
From jean morreau
Come on Clare, if not for your witty self description, I would say you
were choking on your own bile.
What’s wrong with males and females being both the same and different?
Jess McCabe, editor of The F-Word, replies
Well at least we know where we stand with jean: stereotypes are just true and drawing attention to harmful stereotyping and discrimination is “bile”.
On kickboxing, women’s aggression and self-defence, by Jessica Burton
From Rachael
Thank you Jessica, for putting into words what I have always felt!
I am sick and tired of being assumed to be “weak” because I am a woman!!
Never mind that I tend to tower over many guys (I am six foot).
Never mind that the last man who tried to grab me in a public place backed
right off after I told him I am an expert in martial arts and would kick
his ass!!
Never mind all that…because I am still just a weak and pathetic woman!!
I have practised martial arts my whole life and although you are spot-on
in that all avenues must be explored as far as violence against women….I
absolutely believe that EVERY girl should be taught self-defence, right
from whan she is old enough, in school. It should be part of the
curriculum.
It’s amazing the power it gives you to mentally and physically, have
confidence in yourself. And how it can make you realize that “women are
weak” is just another load of patriarchial bull! Thanks again!
From Sarah Sutcliffe
I agree with Jessica Burton’s article on the merits of learning a martial
art. I did Taekwondo for four years and it wasn’t until then that I
actually started honestly rejoicing in my body – because I was getting the
right balance of exercise and food, my body was at its ideal shape (Its own
ideal shape, not society’s ideal shape) and I loved it. I realised my body
was not just a vessel for my brain (the most-valued, in my academic
intellectual upbringing), but a thing of strength and beauty and ability in
its own right. Last but not least, I saw women of literally all shapes and
sizes in the communal changing rooms; on the mat, all of them equally red
and sweaty and ‘ugly’ in the unflattering white pyjama-uniforms, and all of
them strong and capable of breaking boards and clean techniques and
terrifying war-cries. Within the sanctuary of the Dojang, THIS was what was
valued most about them: their abilities, not their looks. Seeing and
experiencing that there is no requisite body shape for success or beauty
(because a successful technique will always look beautiful) did more for
clearing up all my inherited hang-ups about the female body than reading
any tome on feminist theory every could.
I’ve long stopped martial arts, but recently took up aerial skills
(trapeze, silks, ropes etc) and only yesterday realised I was looking upon
my bruised and rope-burned feet with the same smugness that I used to look
upon my bruised forearms, seeing the marks as tokens of my strength and
capability, as badges of honour.
From Hanna
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I’m a 28-year-old, professional, intelligent female. I wear dresses, or
jeans, or sometimes both. I don’t describe myself as a militant feminist,
but I have also never considered myself to have less merit because of my
gender – a benefit of being part of the first post-feminist generation,
perhaps.
Every week between August and April, I play 80 minutes of full-on,
full-contact, bone-crunching rugby. There are a lot of us who do – a tribe
of women around the world who know what it means to be strong, healthy, and
confident in our own skins.
I don’t play rugby because I think it’s a pair of fingers up at the
heteronormative establishment. I don’t play rugby because I’m an overly
aggressive steriod-popping neanderthal.
I play because it’s amazing to feel what my body is capable of, both in
terms of momentary requirements on the pitch, and in the results of
training over a longer period of time. I play because every week I spend
80 minutes as part of a team of 15 amazing women who, like me, are always
ready to put their own bodies in harm’s way for the sake of a fellow
player. I play because it’s taught me that mental
and physical pain aren’t unbreakable barriers, but challenges. Most
importantly, after years of loathing my wide thighs and “unfeminine”
shoulders, I know what my body is FOR – to run, to push physical limits, to
be strong, and to be enjoyed.
Ironically it’s the reactions we get from those who don’t understand (men
and women) which binds the female rugby community closer together. When I
tell people I play rugby, responses vary from “you mean touch rugby?” to
“so, you’re a lesbian then” (as though sexual orientation has anything to
do with athletic prowess). Women are, alarmingly, the worst culprits:
“but all those bruises, and what about your face?”.
Yes, it hurts. The training is gruelling. We play in snow, rain and
sleet. But being able to walk with shoulders back, confident that I have
value in society regardless of dress size/marital status/whatever, is
priceless.
Every battle scar is a reminder of the warrior I am, and the strength
within, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
From Sam Jones
Thanks for that great article. I myself have done karate for the last 12
years and found that it has changed my life for the better. We are
constantly being bombarded by the media, men and sometimes other women,
telling us how much our bodies aren’t our own. We are made to feel that we
are the property of our husbands, our children or anybody else who happens
to look at us and make demands of us. Martial arts takes you back inside
yourself, to reclaim what is rightfully yours. It doesn’t matter that your
legs are not long and slim, because you now appreciate that they can help
you to kick fast and hard. You don’t care if you don’t have slender arms,
because your arms can punch hard enough to smash through a breack board.
It’s now all about enjoying what your body can do for you. It has helped
me to escape for the spiral path of self loathing that I was pushed onto as
a teenager.
From Irina
I agree with Jessica Burton and thought myself quite often that
self-defence classes should be mandatory for teenage girls especially as
they tend to experience street harrasement when they are more likely to be
intimidated by it. One learns (hopefully) confidence with repetition of
these unpleasant situations but it is still horrible for educational system
not to do anything to prevent such feelings of fear and shame in these
young girls when it first happens to them. Ideally it should come with sex
education tailored for boys that will teach them to respect girls and care
about them, and use condoms. (I am still perplexed that although teenage
pregnnacies seem to be all about underpriviledged girls nobody points a
blaming finger at the boys who didn’t put the fucking condom in the first
place!)
I also know from personal experience how exhilarating it feels to express
anger where fear used to be (say, street harrassement) – like in your case
with two drunk idiots. How dare they frighten you? This should be the first
reaction, but it takes time to unlearn a lot of crap in order to get to
first true reactions.
Also if women were encouraged to rejoyce in their phyicality there would
be less eating disorders and confidence problems – those hormoneds kicking
in after an exercise would not allow a level of anxiety necessary for
nurturing self-doubt and obsession with “imperfections”, you’d simply be
too happy to think about this bullshit.
Anyway, thank you for the great article. (one question to the author – is
kickboxing suitable for shortsighted people? i know that sometimes
strenuous exercise is adviced against in order not to damage eye nerves. Do
you know anyhting about it?)
Jessica Burton, author of the article, replies
I’m glad you enjoyed the article! I’m afraid I don’t know about the advice against exercise for short sighted people, however there are three short sighted people in my class (including my partner) and they take part with their glasses off and don’t seem to have trouble.
Having used Google to search for short sightedness and exercise it seems that people with pigment dispersion syndrome are advised against “impact” sports in order to minimise their condition, see this Wikipedia page.
Since most sufferers are men in their 20s-40s (and not all myopic) I think you’ll be fine! Also, I think you’ll find that most classes (like mine) are non-contact or semi-contact, with semi-contact meaning what we refer to as “10% power”, so strong impact to the head is extremely rare.
Thanks for reading the article!
From Ellen Croteau
I want to take up kickboxing because I have a chronic urge to bust some
ass, preferably while screaming and hollering.
But really, Miss Jessica, a power screwdriver?! It only takes the muscles
in your hand to turn the thing!
Good article.
Comments on older features and reviews
Just a stripper, by Natasha Forrest
From joseph
“Just a Stripper” by Natasha Forrest” Congratulations, Natasha….you have
now fully intellectualized your own exploitation, just like your employer
has intellectualized it. The next step is blaming the damage on yourself,
after you leave this addictve, destructive lifestyle, and intellectualizing
that.
Jess McCabe, editor of The F-Word, replies
And what’s the impact of your comment, do you think?
‘Feminists are sexist’, by Catherine Redfern
From mick murph
Feminists are extreme cowards and bullies, targeting white men with their
hysteria while being completely silent with support for their muslim
“sisters” in the uk who are real victims of real discrimination. Shame on
you cowardly self interested bullies.
The Vagina Monologues, a review by Catherine Redfern
From A Martin
Is there nothing at all problematical to you about an adult woman
involving a six-year old girl in discussion of her private parts? Is there
not an obvious issue here to do with the sexualisation of minors?
Incidentally, the seduction of a sixteen year old girl in the play by a
twenty-four year old woman, which she presents in such a positive light,
was originally between a grown woman and a thirteen year old girl. In the
original version of the play, the girl describes the experience as “a good
rape”.If a male author, whether heterosexual or homosexual, had written a
play portraying the sexualisation and seduction of minors in a similarly
positive light, I think there would, rightly, be outrage.
There is no good reason why a different standard should apply to Ensler.
Attempts to “normalise” the sexual exploitation of minors are deeply
creepy.
Sick of celebrity, by Nicky Raynor
From Vicki Bray
*claps emphatically*
I too am utterly bored by celebrity culture. And the assumption that
jealousy is what motivates women to question its value. I have been
complimented for my looks many times and have a good sex life, but I still
don’t want to be some perfection obsessed ninnie, I would like to cultivate
all aspects of myself, because I know some day, I will grow old and looks
cannot be relied upon forever. (which is where these celebs will come
unstuck!) Sex, money and making the most of your looks are merely
ingrediants in life. The trouble is, people like Jordon have valorised them
as the be all and end all, condensing everything about thier image into
‘pure sex'(the face, the look, the expressions). This isn’t life. This
isn’t living. It’s a consumer driven comprise of self, based on the idea
that being seen is more important than actually just experiencing a variety
of things.
It’s saddening that people such as Jordon as so unreceptive to the idea
that there could be more to life than that.
Glamour models made me sick, by Hannah Whittaker
From tasha
well i dont know where to start… im 18 and a half and you sound so much
like me its unreal, i thought i was the only one who actually felt like
this to that extent you explained everything perfectly down to the feelings
and the truth. my boyfriend has a lot of these magazines many of which
featuring lucy pinder (his favourite) and everytime i think of her my heart
sinks an i feel worthless and boring and not good enough for anyone let
alone him, i turned his habit into my obsession and its ruining our
relationship. i would like to thankyou for a fantastic article, very well
written and highlighting the truth of how im sure a lot of women feel about
themselves.
For the good of the species? by Eirwen-Jane Pierrot
From Sophrine
This is clearly an absurd proposition and the most basic examination of
the facts blows it to pieces. If it were true, then young women, in fact
all women, would also be attracted to very elderly men (for the sake of the
longevity of their intended offspring). If it were true, the older the man,
the more attractive a woman would find him. And yet, strangely, I do not
see young women and girls sticking up posters of octagenarians, lusting and
coo-ing over 90-somethings. No, they admire pictures of glossy young men.
On the whole, they don’t find elderly men attractive (though clearly some
older men like to believe they do). Yes traditionally, in the past and in
some developing countries today, some older men have married younger women
– but this has much more to do with wealth and power than some genetic
imperative. Madonna’s current beau, a 22-year-old beauty, illustrates this
point very clearly. This ‘news’ article referred to in your f-word piece is
absurd and inflammatory.
From jilly
The comments from the Aussie. This man needs to open his eyes and see
that the majority of 50 men out there are very much past there sell by
date, and that the ugly factor sets in even if they still can get an
errection. Often younger women do look more visually sexy then there older
counter part as do many virile young men. Believe me it’s far nicer
watching young guys on the beach playing foot/volley ball and not the saggy
flabby old guys. So baring this in mind, should a women who looks far
better then her husband /partner which is so often the case at 50, go
chasing after a younger man. For reasons such as her husband/partner has
lost his hair/teeth, developed a fat belly,has balls which dangle like golf
balls in a very old sock between his legs, or has a disfuntional penis and
(the man) is growing older and not looking quite as hot lately as a 20/30
year old virile guy.Life is not all about reproduction as some would have
us believe,it is also about partnership and having someone to help you
though illness/old age and all that might come with that. This is something
that is all to often over looked in favour of sexual gratification.Other
men need to react to this article and guys such as this Aussie as he
insults their mothers, grandmothers, sisters and many a husbands wife who
happen to be 50 . Many younger women wouldn’t look twice at the Rod
stewarts of this world if they were just ordinary penniless 50 men sat in
the corner of a pub somewhere or stripped off on the beach in shorts.
Especially if there was a young guy standing next to them who had plenty of
money to splash about. I really hope this guy and any like him end up with
some form of penile functional disorder.
From Sara Gold
In response to Eirwen-Jane Pierrot’s article, “For the good of the
species?”, I would only add that science has shown that older men tend to
produce offspring with more birth defects and greater developmental
problems than do younger men. For the good of the species, therefore,
society should insist that older men be vasectomized, if not completely
shunned.
From Libs
Gah!
I am so cross I can hardly write after reading “for the good of the
species” Didn’t really understand the fuss until I read the original
study. The author really does expect women to drop down dead after the
menopause. He/she tells us that “Evolutionary theory says that
individuals should die of old age when their reproductive lives are
complete” and uses this flawed statement to frame their article.
grrrrrrrrrrrr I love how the author totally;
ignores the role older females play in many species caring for group
offspring,
ingores the fact that as men age the quality of their sperm decreases
leading to higher instances of genetic disease in their offspring,
ignores the fact that just making a baby isn’t enough to add to the gene
pool, you or someone you trust has to care for your offspring long enough
to ensure it actually survives to adulthood.
The list goes on but I am too mad to write more. But then what do I
know? I’m just a fertile female who hasn’t been chased by the right older
man yet and my Masters in Chemistry means I probably don’t understand the
complexities of this bizaare take on evolutionary theory.
From Ellen Croteau
Recently there was a “scientific” articel published that made me cringe in
a similar manner to the author of this f word article.
I thought she might be interested: click here to read
The above article, from “science blog– science news straight from the
source!” (!!) is about the highly scientific and white-coated test in which
a group of doctors videotaped women walking and tried to discern which of
the women were the most “orgasmic” from the way they walked. This rigorous
and enlightening study invloved a test group of 16 women– “university
students.” (Chosen on a basis, I can’t help but cynically guess, perhaps of
who was the most — sientific term here– “hot.”)
This “experiment” only calls to mind a group of men watching women walking
by and then talking about how great or horrible in bed each of the women
might be.
But surely it’s nothing of the sort.
It’s very worth noting that the study is only interested in a women’s
vaginal orgasmic “ability.”
It is quite a scientific leap for mankind indeed, to be able to know just
from looking, which women you will require more effort than dick wiggling
to get off, no disrespect for good and generous dick wigglers.
Give an ass a lab coat….
I did it my way, by Emma Hadfield
From JH
Excellent article. I felt the same at 28… and still do 10 years later.
I wish more women would speak out about marriage and children, and then
maybe more would feel comfortable not conforming.
Why men should care about gender stereotypes, by Alex Gibson
From josh j
good read…mad me look at myself differently…wow i cant beleive that i
was that ignorant to “stereotypes”
Embarrassing Teenage Bodies advocates cosmetic labiaplasty, by Bellavita
From Sara
I completely agree with this article. I watched Embarrassing Bodies about
a year ago and there was a similar story but with an older woman, they
suggested the same procedure. I watched this and felt completely abnormal
as my labia were larger than the ones on the show. I went through a tough
time trying to wrestle with the fact that I knew that this was a culturally
favored look rather than an actual abnormality. I went to the doctor who
could see that why I was so worried but decided against it after a few
cancelled operations. The fact that the show commented on is meant to
reassure teenagers of their normalcy is absolutely absurd. This is part of
the long pathologisation of women’s bodies and goes to show that there is
no stone unturned. Throwing medical language at this ‘problem’ is only
encouraging one thing- the low self esteem of average women who do not fit
into stereotypical associations of beauty. It really angers me that I am
made to feel inadequate (as many other young women my age) and doubful of
my own body…so much for the democratisation of different bodies on
reality/makeover television…they all purport to increase homogeniety
amongst women through consumerism or medical interventions. It angers me
greatly.
From Georgia
You say that embarressment isn’t an illness? Maybe not, but it can still
cause psychological defects. I agree that the girl on the show should have
been reassured, but if she was that uncomfortable about it and it was
preventing her from having sex then she should have had it – and she did.
Maybe the show did raise paranoia in young people, but I was aware of my
large labia minora long before watching the show and have experienced alot
of comments by guys and girls on previous, and to be honest, it makes you
feel like shit. And plus, I do suffer with pain during sex and sometimes
lack of hygiene (even though i bath twice a day) Leaving me with bacterial
infections such as cystytis or thrush. But the embarressment is what makes
me want the surgery most. All men arn’t angels, and saying things like ‘A
man should love you for who you are’ is fair enough, but its a bit naive
don’t you think? Personally my boyfriend is lovely and understands my
situation but even with him, my boyfriend of 8 months, I sometimes feel
embarressed about it. Be honest about this, men can be judgemental. If a
woman was to have a one night stand, then in 2 weeks time realise there
were rumours about her ‘wizards sleeve’ in her friendship circle, is that
fair? It may not be a physical defect but she is suffering. You may say
that woman shouldnt have one night stands but it happens – alot. The woman
should have the right to sleep with someone without getting into a
relationship with someone even if you consider it immoral. I am very
passionate about this subject, and yes, labioplasty shouldn’t be given to
those who do not need it – but understand from their point of view? How
would you feel?
Georgia, 16.
Take Back The Streets, by various authors
From tina
Never have I been so disappointed – here I came to your website and
expected some profound and wonderful fix to life, but no- just another rant
about how unjust and unequal the world is. GET A LIFE and strive for things
that matter to us all -jobs,family,love- it’s that easy!
…
Having read through your site a little further, I’m delighted to say that
on the 1st page I’ve only come across 5 posts that are SEXIST, RACIST,
AGEIST, DISCRIMINATORY or otherwise inflammatary! Oh well done you modern
women!
Jess McCabe, editor of The F-Word, replies
I think it’s a bit much to expect us to provide an all-singing, all-dancing fix to every problem life has to offer. What that feature did do was give our readers a space to tell their stories of ongoing harassment and make it visible, when this is something that is usually dismissed as nothing much.
Because you didn’t elaborate or give examples, I can’t really respond to the criticisms of sexist, racist, ageist, discriminatory posts appearing on the site.
A woman… and a geek? by Wisrutta Atthakor
From Agnès Denie
I just wanted to let you know, I recognize your experience. I’m not big on
games, I’m more of a reader myself. But I’m not afraid to tinker on my PC
either. And it bugs me to no end when salesmen (invariably men) treat me
like an idiot, or approach my boyfriend when I’m the customer!
And another thing: Neil Gaiman usually does really well in the
female-characters-department.
From Melanie Davis
I too am a woman and a geek and I know where you’re coming
from. Actually I think the geek world has made huge strides learning to
let women in. It used to be, a typical sci fi book cover had a scantily
clad lady being threatened by a monster and rescued by a big manly hunk.
Now there are masses of tough female role models in sci fi and fantasy,
take Buffy, or Anita Blake the Vampire Hunter (ok controversial one I know)
or Nikki in Heroes. So many (male) writers are trying out the strong
female archetype now because they know there’s a market…us. If they can
only hold back from the temptation of turning these tough babes, halfway
through the story, into romantic sidekicks without their great
personalities, we’ll start to get somewhere. Another point on the plus
side for pretty ladies in geekdom: boy are we at a premium and isn’t that
good for catching the cute boys? From someone already happily married to
another cute geek…
From Kate
I am commenting on Wisrutta Atthakor’s article. Although I am not a
full-fledged geek, perhaps, like her I am a sci-fi fan and would like to
make the case for other girls in sci-fi. Doctor Who companions I think
are better female characters, being normal people rather than Amazon
warriors and also capable of looking after themselves and sometimes even
the Doctor (although I have admitt there are some issues about them
screaming and him having to save them most of the time, and the fact there
was a cavegirl!) But the newer ones are good, one was even a doctor too and
spent the whole series saving the Doctor from this and that!
I’d also like to mention Six from Battlestar Gallitica, I know she was
sexed up, but she totally had control of Balta. She owned him.
I’d also like to point out that even sci-fi men often have high ranks and
do most of the saving, they too have to conform to ideal of the hot, sexy
strong man. Men are used as eye-candy too.
From jazz T
hi im a 19 year old student. you and i are very alike in out geekish
nature, i love playing video games and reading graphic novels i always have
done. perhaps i have just been lucky or as generations change so do certain
views. I’m happy to say i have not come across any lads who think the games
i play are generally ones that are aimed at girls and we have long
discussions about regarding games and comic books. Although i completely
agree with you view on the way women are depicted in graphic novels and
films, especially Manga, i did want to put your mind at rest and show you
that there has been a change, if only slight, in the males view of Women’s
knowledge and enjoyment of video games and comics.
From aduna
i love the article about being a female and a geek by wisrutta(not sure
about the spelling). i am not a geek in the way she describes but i am
different and i believe if all women dared to be different or simply
themselves most streotypes would reach an end. I AM A GEEK AND I LOVE
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Ana Spencer
I too have worked for an electrical retailer that also sells Games etc.
The issues I had were usually with (male) customers. They really felt that
technology was somehow their domain and wouldnt accept any advice from me.
If they said it was broken it was broken- even when I pointed out the
batteries were in the wrong way round! Constantly I would have customers
ask me a question, pretend to listen to my answer then approach a male
colleague with exactly the same query. My male colleagues did not suffer
the same type of harrasment and derision such as being slapped on the
bottom by an elderly gentleman buying a washing machine, or asked to test a
DVD player with a pornographic DVD inside. Or stalked by a customer who
named his computer after me. A lack of women in shops selling technology
and games also means the patronising treatment Wisrutta received is still
widespread, often endemic in the management of the companies that sell
these items. This will take time to change. In the meantime keep beating
the boys at their ‘own’ game Wisrutta.
From Justin Brown
This can go both ways. You think women respects men’s inherent child
rearing abilities? One time when I was an out of work teacher, I tried to
get a job at various daycares, and I’m pretty sure the vibe I was getting
was “Why would you want to work at a daycare? Are you a child molestor or
something?”
As a Geek yourself, you should know what its like for the male Geek
growing up. Persecuted socially, held back by a education system designed
for mediocracy, and continuesly rejected by females. Hell, our Geek
culture is largely based on the fact that we are often without famale
companionship, hence the overt sexualization of much of Geek entertainment.
You gotta take it where you can get it. Plus, men doubt other men’s
abilities all the time (or should, as men bullshit so much.) and hence why
we compete. Don’t whine, just continue to show them up. (Secretly they
will fall in love with you for it.) Cultures don’t automatically accomadate
outsiders by changing their cultural norms, so don’t expect Geeks to. By
the way, I always wanted a Geek for a wife, and I’m sure your quite the
prize, just don’t hate on people who sometimes have little else other then
their Geeky ways to fulfill them. There is a facism of beauty in modern
society, and Geeks are not known for their aesthetic value, just our
ability to think like a geek; mastery of niche subject matter followed by
quick and creative meta and micro anaylisis of said material. The Geek
shall inherit the Earth.
The Perfect Vagina, a review by Amy Clare
From belle
I’m commenting on the ‘perfect vagina’ topic.. I want to say that I was
born with the affliction of long hanging labias.. They are very
uncomfortable!! The inside of my vagina is literally hanging out, it rubs
itself raw on my underware and pants and gets pinched in my pants when I
sit or cross my legs!! The awful thing is I thought this was normal and it
was something every woman had to deal with, things like: tucking the labias
back up in between my outer lips and trying to keep it there by wearing
extremely small tight panties( which usually doesn’t last very long).
I honestly grew up thinking that is why most women are insecure.. And that
all women always walked around with the same discomfort… Needless to say
I was completely shocked and humiliated to find out that the majority of
women don’t live with the same painful affliction I do (specially the
young ones in my age range)!!..
I am considering labioplasty for comfort reasons.. ANNND also for
cosmetic reasons—Due to the fact that the elderly men in my neighborhood
look down at my crotch and give me dirty looks like they think I’m a
transvestite!! When I wear bikinis I literally look like I have small
testicals. So, that being said, anyone who doesn’t understand why a woman
would want a perfect vagina is just completely “IGNORANT”… And as for the
girls with nice vaginas that have mental problems and want a
better/different one, well they make up such a tiny percentage of the women
that have had or are considering vaginoplasty.
So next time you ask a woman that is considering any cosmetic surgery on
their genetelia, ‘why’ she would do such a thing; REMEMBER that most likey
she IS NOT going to tell you that she is sick of looking like she has a set
balls!! I mean come on how embarrasing, of course any woman is going to try
and pull it off smoothly and say she just wants to look “perfect”.
– GET IT NOW? –
Not a happy birthday, by Amity Reed
From Sarah
Thank you for verbalising what has been denied and even ridiculed for
years. I took the power back and birthed my third child at home (hvbac) and
no longer fear childbirth. Childbirth and birth rape are poles apart but
look the same in the medical records and I feel empowered simply reading my
experience in anothers words. Deepest thanks, Sarah.
Stink bombing the beauty pagaent, by Sarah Levack
From Joanne
Good on you for shaking things up at the beauty pageant! It feels like
feminism has been more about theory than action for far too long, and
whether people agree or disagree with the protest, it’s obviously left a
deep impression on people.
From Chacha
This is great stuff. Stinkbombing is a perfect ripost – retaining a
degree of humour in there is vital, I think. Not that it’s not a serious
subject, but militancy without any humour involved has a tendency to shut
people’s eyes and ears off to what’s actually being highlighted. And the
image of the sour-faced feminist is yet another much-peddled distortion
that needs to be countered. i’m not yet sure who this collective
comprises, but good on you guys and gals, and thanks for giving me some
hope that all is not lost in this particular battle.
Pity in Pink, by Posie Rider
From moira murray
Why is this writer so concerned with the colour of her laptop? Lots of
women do like pink or coloured laptops – why shouldn’t they? Anyway, pink
is a really nice colour and the writer is lucky to get a sales assistant to
bother with her at all – usually they just leave you alone to fumble around
looking for what you want.
My ancestors were ‘votes for women’ freedom fighters and they would have
loved a pink laptop rather than a black one – or any laptop but, of course,
they didn’t make them at all in the 1900s, or even pink ink for a pen. So I
am still looking for a site that takes feminism and its real issues
seriously but this cause seems to have been hijacked. Yet I cannot but
believe in justice for women and therefore support feminism, which is
needed as much now as ever, but for real issues, rather than gaffs made by
over zealous sales assistants.
Posie Rider, author of the article, replies
Moira, I appreciate your point, and as I mentioned in my article, am aware that niggling cultural assumptions in no way equate to the forms of injustice suffered by women overseas, or to the legal and employment inequalities in the UK. That said, the pink-for-ladies dilemma is hardly limited to one incident, one tactless shop assistant, as the most minimal research will demonstrate. Dismissing particular instances as irrelevant means that not only to we fail to recognise the personal as the political, we also ignore the totalising effects of culture and risk making our targets so abstract that we are unable to act upon them: so, sexual dis-empowerment and the objectification of women might seem like worthy targets for feminists, but how do we go about changing them? Deconstructing ‘neutral’ cultural objects seems to be a pretty good place to start, seeing as its through culture that we ‘learn’ our roles in the first place. There’s a risk, as you infer, of not seeing the wood for the trees, but if you’re looking for the wood, you really had better pay attention to those trees.
As for our suffragette fore-mothers, I really can’t say how they’d have accessorised their laptops, if they’d had them (thanks for pointing that out!). Emmeline was quite stylish and always had a great hat, so I don’t think she’d have missed a chance to ‘individualise’. My guess is purple, green and white.
‘Hasn’t anybody ever told you a handful is enough?’ by Samara Ginsberg
From Taylor Burnham
I just wanted to say…thank you SO very much for this article. No, I
don’t think you are an airhead. Actually, this story quite inspired and
helped me. I am 15, living in the U.S., with a height of 5 ft.1″ and a 28
in. waist with 36DD sized breasts. There isn’t a day where my boobs aren’t
mentioned. I can’t go to the mall without being stared at by older men AND
women (or without my best friend informing me that they are doing so.) When
I was in 8th grade just a year ago, this one boy would always grab at my
chest even when I told him “stop.” The ironic thing? Just this year he told
me “more than a handful is just a waste.” I transferred to a new middle
school and just found more and more people (mainly girls) saying, “Oh!
YOU’RE the big-boobs girl,” when I’d walk into the bathroom, or calling me
fat when the only thing “fat” about me are my breasts. I’m all about fine
arts. Actress, writer, dancer (believe me, it’s hard to be when you look
like me), all and beyond. And I’d say I’m very good at all, not to mention
all of the advanced high school courses I am taking. When people say “the
bigger the boobs, the smaller the brain” it offends me. What? Is my only
talent supposed to be carrying rocks on my chest? And when I defend myself
with the feminist attitude I carry, people get angry and say that I get mad
about everything, after they’ve just critized my body! I cry in the mirror
when I can’t fit into little tops like all the other girls, and I would
kill for a breast-reduction…but your story somehow made me want to parade
around proud with a smile on my face. Though I’m still not going to be
exactly chipper with my appearance, I can’t say your story didn’t make me
feel a bit more comforted. It’s good to know that there are other females
who are thin with big breasts out there. My friend stumbled upon your story
and sent it to me. It feels like it was meant to be, and thank you so much,
once again.
In the name of the father… by Sarah Louisa Phythian-Adams
From E.T.
I’m writing about the article where Mrs Pythian-Adams suggests women keep
their maiden names when they marry . . . I don’t think it’s at all wrong
for a woman to take her husband’s surname. Double-barrelled names are
pretentious and trust me – from a teacher’s point of view, it’s hellish at
a parents’ evening when the child, the mother and the father all have
different names and put on a great show of being offended if you make the
heinous mistake of assuming that people from one family will have one name.
Should I ever marry, I’d definitely take my husband’s name. (As you’ll see
from my name, I have embarrassing initials which resulted in years of
bullying at school. I considered changing my surname but you wouldn’t
believe the hassle, time and cost name-changing incurs.) Even if I had a
lovely surname, I’d still change it to my husband’s. You write about
tradition as if it’s a bad thing. Taking a man’s name isn’t about
oppression any more – it’s just about doing the sensible thing.
I also want to point out to the author that I’ve lived in China, where I’d
consider women to be far more oppressed than they are in the UK. Yet in
China, if a Mr Zhang marries a Miss Chen, Miss Chen keeps her surname. The
surname of the children will either be Zhang or Chen depending on what the
parents prefer – and I know plenty of cases where the wife’s name has been
chosen, because it has a nicer meaning or because it goes better with the
child’s first name. This tradition takes place all over East Asia, even in
Japan, which is still very patriarchal.
Alright darlin’, by Selina Jervis
From U S
“But to men it may be seen as a signal that a 13-year-old can be treated
as a woman if she dresses like one, and so it’s OK to perv on children.”
I’m 43, and I don’t like harrassment any more than I did as a teenager.
The only difference is that now I get it from the younger pervs as well as
the older ones.
General comments
From Rebecca
Just want to say thanks for such a great website, I found it solely by
chance when an article on the site came up when I was searching for
something entirely different. All the articles are really interesting and a
couple have really helped me. I rarely bookmark sites but this was I
certainly did. Thanks :-)
From Charlotte
I’m interested in feminism partly due to having afew unpleasant
experiences in the workplace related to gender. I’ve looked at the ‘getting
in touch with UK feminists’ section of the site though have not had much
luck. – Could you please put me in touch with any gps in my area – i live
in Newark in Nottinghamshire. Thank you so much!
From zohra
On L’s piece Breaking the Cycle: really affirming to read someone’s
testimonial on their journey to re-centre themselves, and heal and resist
the violence they have experienced. Powerful piece, thank you L.