Sexual good manners

The author of this guest post wishes to remain anonymous.

The debate about the BNP/chocolate cake analogy continues to rage, which made me want to share an experience, which still confuses me even after some time has passed.

I was seeing a man, with whom I’d been friends for some years before anything more happened. One night, things progressed into the bedroom, at which point he told me that he didn’t have any condoms, so we couldn’t have penetrative sex.

Fine by me, I said, and we continued with what we’d been doing. It was all perfectly lovely and we were both enjoying ourselves.

Until suddenly he manoeuvred himself on top of me and began trying to enter me.

“What are you doing?” was the obvious question.

He looked at me, bewildered – “We’re going to have sex.”

“No, we’re really, really not,” I told him, and pushed him off.

Except he didn’t think that was an end to the matter, and he tried again.

By this time, I was so angry and, yes, a bit frightened, that sex of any description was totally off the agenda. Again, I said no and pushed him off, and suggested that maybe we should get to sleep instead. He agreed. And then woke me up in the morning with a similar tactic – like a few hours’ sleep would have made a difference, or he didn’t think I’d notice, or something.

I still don’t know what I should have done, or whether I should do anything about it now. This was a long-standing friend, and a man I really liked. Did he think his persistence was in some way flattering? Should I have left after his first attempt at sex? Should I have talked to him about it afterwards? I don’t know. What I do know is that I came out of it feeling stupid and slightly violated and angry with myself. And I’m still friends with him.

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