I’ve read some crappy advice columns in the past, but this one, from Pamela Stephenson Connolly in The Guardian, may just take the biscuit. Here’s the question:
I enjoy sex with my boyfriend of two years – he has a stunning body that really turns me on. But lately he seems bored and has started pressing me for anal sex, to use sex toys and to have a threesome. None of that appeals to me, but I’m worried that if I don’t try these novelties, he’ll break up with me. How can I keep him happy without doing things I don’t fancy?
Seems pretty clear, doesn’t it? The man who should love, respect and care for her is pressing her to try sexual activities she’s not up for, and her relationship relies on pleasing him sexually so he won’t break up with her; clearly, she’d be better off without him. Perhaps then she could stop worrying about fulfilling his fantasies and work on building up her self esteem instead.
That’s where you’d be wrong. Because this is what our clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders advises:
Your reason for enjoying sex with him is his appearance, so your main arousal trigger may be visual. To help excite him in a more palatable manner, find out which of the five senses cue him erotically. For example, try erotic talk to see if it is auditory (describing scenarios involving threesomes might do the trick), or erotic massage for touch. For taste, try using food such as chocolate, or bring enticing scents into the bedroom (don’t deny him your own natural one).
In the process of investigating you’ll demonstrate that you too can be experimental. He may be finding your focus on his body objectifying (men experience that as well as women), so he could be trying to deflect that by suggesting erotic play that puts the focus back on you. The “novelties” may seem more appealing once fully discussed. Safety considerations are often the biggest barrier, so negotiation is vital. Anal sex, threesomes and toys all involve trust; he may be unconsciously asking you to do just that.
Yep, dude’s clearly going to stop pestering her for anal if she feeds him a chocolate mousse by the light of a scented candle while whispering sweet nothings. And her self esteem must have rocketed with the implication that her refusal to engage in sex acts she has no interest in may make him feel like she doesn’t trust him. Poor baby. Never forget, ladies, it’s all about the man!
Nice one, Pamela.