Study up on how to succeed in the dating game with Jilly Boyce Kay
You have waited all your life for this to happen – the perfect man has requested the pleasure of your company on a sizzling hot date! The restaurant is booked. The dress, the shoes and the handbag have been bought in readiness. He could be the one – he is rich, he is powerful, his handsomeness is of Clooney-esque proportions.
Everything depends upon this date. There will probably never be another opportunity for you to secure anything like this kind of potential happiness. And by that, of course, we mean a wedding, with a man – ding, dong! Luckily, we are on hand, like your very own fairy-godmother, with some expert advice that will avert potential disasters.
We’ll ensure that you don’t fuck things up utterly and spend the next week wailing into a family sized tub of Viennetta (see: ‘How not to be a sad ice-cream munching chubster. Who is single’ – in next month’s ‘Confidence Special’ edition, at the bargain price of £3.99!)
First things first, and most important of all – be prepared. Military-style attention to detail is required here, ladies! Ask yourself: does your leg-tan match your face-tan? Does your glittery eyeliner complement your vajazzle? It better had!
So, your eyebrows are plucked, your tummy is tucked and your digestion is fucked (after ingesting only lemon juice and cabbage puree for seven days). Congratulations! You’ve worked hard. But is this enough? Of course not! Pay attention! Do you even want to get married? Of course you do!
You must appear aloof and unavailable even though you are desperate and lonely. The key to success on this date – and in life generally – is suppression of genuine desire and performing the precise opposite of how you actually feel. Turn up exactly 17 minutes late. Make sure that you achieve a just-got-out-of-bed look by booking three days off work beforehand and spending a week’s wages on appropriate hair products (see p67). This is non-negotiable. It is an investment in your future. Just imagine, when you are married to him in years to come, you will joke together about how you rack up hundreds of pounds per month on his credit card, buying the happiness that only high-end face scrubs can provide. If that isn’t what you want from life, then you are not a woman at all. Who doesn’t want to be a woman at all? So do it!
You must give the impression of being a carefree chick with no hang-ups whatsoever about food and a lusty, healthy appetite. Our scientific polling revealed that 79% of men prefer women who enjoy their food and aren’t afraid to tuck in.
However, another poll revealed that 62% of men fancy their date 59% less if she orders a meal with a calorific content of 650 or more. You do the math (steam your fish and hold the fries. Then eat precisely 48% of the contents of your plate – no less, and certainly no more.) Impressing your date is good for your ass! Make the patriarchy work for YOU!
Massively important – make sure that you maintain eye contact, but never for more than 60 seconds at a time. A respected academic study conducted in our coffee break worked out that this is the optimum time for making a man feel “sexually wanted” without you appearing “too independent or confident”. You may find it helpful to bring a stopwatch.
If you do detect yourself feeling too confident or independent, go to the toilets and remember the time that the yobs at school called you pizza face in front of your Year 9 crush. Tell yourself that you are vulnerable and useless – he will pick up on this when you return to the table, and he will love it! However, do not for any reason raise any of these insecurities and talk about them like they are some kind of ‘issues’.
Let him know that you don’t mind getting steamy between the sheets. By this we mean that you must convey you are totally up for it, and your willingness to act out the entire Karma Sutra, as well as your love of washing soiled bedding after the fact/act.
By this we also mean that you must convey your love of good, wholesome, cheeky, naughty sex but somehow also let him know that you are definitely not a ‘slut’ and have certainly had fewer than 11 sexual partners. Erm, we’re not really sure how you do this, but you absolutely must, or you will fail.
Do not drink alcohol to excess. One to two glasses of wine is normally allowable. Any more and you look too loose. Remember, you must be in control of your sexuality – almost like you didn’t have one at all. God, this is so empowering! Don’t you feel empowered?!
Be yourself. Well, obviously that depends on who you actually are. If you are Keira Knightley, you go right ahead and revel in your selfness. If you are not, then… not so much.
Remember, you are beautiful and interesting just as you are. (This only applies if the date is tonight and there is no time to fundamentally improve your catastrophic, lumpen self. If you have more time, then let’s be honest, you are clearly neither beautiful nor interesting – unless you’re Keira – hi, Keira!).
But the good news is that there are things you can do to make yourself less repulsive. See the entirety of this magazine for tips on how to turn your self-loathing into obscene profit margins for the cosmetics and plastic surgery industries. Girl Power!™
Research potential topics of conversation. Stalk him on Facebook in advance to ascertain his political persuasions.
Here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to what to say depending on who his political hero is. If it’s Nick Clegg: “You know – I find a lack of principles in a man so…so sexy.”
Margaret Thatcher: “I owe nothing to women’s lib.” (Sexy tip: denouncing feminism is super-hot!)
If he idolises David Cameron, and you get too passionate when discussing politics (bad), then he may tell you to ‘calm down, dear’. This is totally ironic and completely non-sexist, so don’t challenge him – merely take the advice and do not speak.
Sexism died like, in the 1970s, and literally never happens now. The battle for equality has long been won, and one of your rewards is to passively accept all jokes that white middle class men make at your expense! Get over it – it will show how empowered (attractive) you are!
If this all seems impractical, confusing and degrading, don’t worry. It’s supposed to be! It’s good that you are given contradictory and incoherent advice that a) makes you feel shit about yourself and b) confuses the absolute hell out of you. That way, you will continue to buy our magazine! If we weren’t able to distract you by subtly encouraging you to feel needlessly insecure about the size of your thighs, then you might start thinking about things that actually matter.
If you ceased to think about the cellulite on your bum, then you might start to question the idea that buying a magazine that essentially tells you ‘Hey! You’re inadequate and uninteresting!’ with alarming consistency, is a particularly healthy thing to do.
You might refuse to accept that the only thing worth changing is your BMI, and instead try to change the warped economic system and misogynistic culture that persists in telling you that. But obviously, we won’t tell you that – why on earth would we?
Follow this expertly-complied, time-tested advice and we can literally guarantee* that he will ask you out again! And if he doesn’t, then that’s OK! – he will after you have followed our brand new, delicious SexyStarve™ diet regime, available exclusively next month!
In the meantime, happy dating! And remember – you are so worth it.
*When we say ‘guarantee’, clearly this is subject to you satisfying at least basic standards of airbrush-standard attractiveness. If you try to sue us, we will point at you in court and laugh at how ugly you are. So it’s probably best that you don’t.
First image of a five-tiered wedding cake, designed to look as though the top is falling over, with a wedding cake topper of a groom attempting to escape, while a bride catches him by the back of his jacket to prevent him uploaded by Flickr user Shelley Panzarella. Second image of a young couple gazing at each other with water spraying in the background uploaded by Flickr user cessemi. Third image of a wall with graffiti reading “I ONLY DATE MODELS” uploaded by Flickr user duncan.